Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies
by Areyoufeelingwicked
Summary: Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies. CAUTION: Brain overload. Mentally challenging content inside! Signs that you are enjoying this story include: losing your mine, splits in your side, teary eyes, wrinkles from smiling and laughing.
1. No One Mourns the Easily Distracted

**A/N- I thought I might try a parody, here's the beginning if you don't like it let me know and I'll rewrite the beginning or what ever part I get more than three complaints with reasoning. SPOILER WARNING. You May Recognize The Obsessed Frex He Is From Yorkie Lovers' Wicked Parody.**

**Disclaimer- I told the truth in every other disclaimer I have written and I'm not lying in any. So if you're interested in reading a disclaimer just open another story of mine or pretty much anyone else.**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Ozian #1- ( whispering to the Ozian next to him) Good news, she's dead.

Giant hat full of dancing Ozians bursts open.

Dancers- The Witch of the West is DEAD! Yay!

Ozian #1- Erm I was talking about my mother in law.

Dancers- (Stop dancing abruptly and exchange glances) Really?

Ozian #1- Yup.

Dancers- Sooo, she's not dead yet?

Ozian #1- I have no ozly idea.

Head Dancer- Darn it, alright everyone, get back into the hat.

Dancers- Dang it.

Offstage Fan girl- Look! It's Glinda! (sighs)

Random Ozian- Hey! That's my line. Besides, I think it's Gildna!

Glinda- Gildna? That sounds like someone who would try and sell you beer and pretzels.

Random Ozian- ( holding up script) Well, that's what this giant pack of paper I found says.

Glinda- Let me see that! (brings bubble low enough to snatch the book from Random Ozian's hand.

Upon seeing her name misspelt, and not wishing to change her name again, she rips the booklet in

half.)You don't need that! (She throws the script into the audience)

Audience Member- MY EYE, I HAVE A PAPER CUT IN MY EYE! (Fan girls attack him for the

script)

Glinda- Nothing to see here. Don't pay any attention to that. (moves in the way) HEY LOOK AT ME! I mean. * Ahem * Fellow Ozians. Let us be glad, Let us be-

Ozian- Glinda, how dead is she?

Glinda- I wasn't finished yet, but according to the time dragon clock-

Ozian- Is that dragon time or dragon savings time?

Glinda- At the thirteenth hour during dragon-

Ozian- ...because we just had a transition and it's sort of hard to tell what people mean by...

Glinda- Do we have any duct tape we can use to keep this guy from interrupting me?

Celestial Voice- Just call security Glinda

Glinda- Good idea! Security! (Gale Force guards haul the Ozian away.)

Glinda- Thank You!

Ozians- Sptttt sptttt.

Glinda- What are you all whispering about?

Ozians- Did you hear that big godlike voice?

Fiyero- You mean like mine?

Glinda- YES!

Ozians- NO.

Obsessed Frex- THE UNNAMED GOD? They're my new favorites.

Celestial Voice- No, Fiyero like mine, you better wait until Dancing Through Life to get on stage. Unnamed God obsessed Frex, Go find your own parody.

Obsessed Frex- THE UNNAMED GOD, HE SPEAKS TO ME!

Celestial Voice- Yeah, I'm not God, the authoress hired me to keep things under control. Thank you for the compliment on my voice though, I'm glad you find it divine.

Obsessed Frex- HE SPEAKS!

Glinda- Every family has it's secrets. WOW that was strangely involuntary.

Ozians- Eh? That was random.

Celestial Voice- We crashed off course, I had to make Glinda move on.

Frex (Not obsessed)- I'm off tho the assembly dear!

Melena- Okay! While your gone, I'll just raise the fating of this production from all ages to eight and up.

(Frex Leaves)

Lover- I brought you some lime kool-aid Sweetie!

Melena- Yay!

Celestial Voice- Who plays the lover in Wicked?

Lover- (sheepish voice) W-w-what do you mean?

Celestial Voice- Well, it's obvious that the actor who plays the wizard isn't the lover because in act two the Wizard and the Lover are in the same scene.

(They all look at the lover)

Lover- (Laughs maniacally and backs out the door)

Midwife- (whispers something to Frex)

Frex- What do you mean it's coming?

Midwife- The baby's coming.

Frex- Now?

Midwife- Erm....yes. 

Frex- How?

Midwife- Well you see when-

Celestial Voice- * ahem * Let's keep this eight and up please!

Midwife- Right!

Celestial Voice- Thank You!

Midwife- Here Frex.

Frex- (gasps) IT'S GREEN!

Midwife- Duh.

Celestial Voice- Captain Obvious!

Frex- Like a cabbage!

Midwife- Yes, most people consider cabbage green.

Frex- Ew. Take it away!

Midwife- (puts the baby down and begins dancing)

Frex- Erm....what are you doing?

Midwife- Dancing!!

Frex- Uh.....why?

Midwife- You said "Take it away!"

Glinda- So you see, it couldn't have been easy!

Ozians- We don't care we're insensitive! No one mourns the Wicked.

Another troublesome Ozian- Was she really wicked?

Fiyero- You need to learn my new saying, when in doubt, don't ask.

Celestial Voice- GO AWAY FIYERO!

Fiyero- Sad face.

Celestial Voice- Don't say that it makes you sound unintelligent.

(Awkward Silence)

Celestial Voice- You know if people don't stop interrupting, _Fiyero, _then we'll never get to the main characters' stories! Fiyero.

Fiyero- COME ON GUYS SING IT WITH ME... NO ONE MOURS THE WICKED WICKED WICKEEED!

Audience Member- MY EYE!

**Reviews are funny!**

**In case you're wondering why I said that, It's because those who write romance always put 'reviews are love' but I write funny stories so I put reviews are funny.**

**Sooooo please review! Thanks,**

**Areyoufeelingwicked**


	2. Dear Old DON'T EVEN TRY!

**A/N- I would like to dedicate this chapter to 3 people specifically, ElphabaROCKS ( my muse/inspiration/co-author) Pheoinixbird777(my other muse) Swirlygirl, Werewolf in training ( both avid reviewers), and Fabala Tiggualar ( avid reviewer and my new beta reader) You too can have a dedication if you do the simple task of reviewing.**

**Disclaimer- still not mine. I didn't buy it in the last two days.**

* * *

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

" Dear Old DON'T EVEN TRY"

Another Troublesome Ozian-Glinda, did you happen to know her? 'Cause I heard from some girls the other day, who called themselves ozheads, or something like that, that you knew her!

Glinda- Oh yes, she was my very bestest friend! (Everyone stares at Glinda) Well, it was a little different than best...It's kind of complicated. You know what? I'll show you! Keep in mind we were both very young.

Ozian- You're what, twenty five? How much younger can you get?

Audience Member- MY EYE!!!!!!

Glinda- Will someone get him some ice?

(Random Ice cube is chunked into the audience)

Audience Member- MY OTHER EYE!!!!!!!

Glinda- Eh......Flashback time!!!

Shiz Students- Oh hallow walls and vine draped halls

Celestial Voice- Oh_ hallowed halls_ and vine draped _walls._

Shiz Students- Right. Oh hallowed hall and wine draped...

Celestial Voice- Are you lot even old enough to drink? It's _vine_ not _wine_.

Shiz Students- Right. Old hallowed-

Celestial Voice- Oh hallowed!

Shiz Students- Right...

Galinda- MY TURN!!!! Ah-ah-ah-ah-aaaaah!

Celestial Voice- JUST FORGET IT, CAN YOU GUYS EVEN READ?! Galinda, who are you? Tarzan?

Fiyero- No, that's me, in act II. I swing in on a vine and-

Celestial Voice- Thank you, Fiyero! (sarcastically)

Fiyero- Not done! Then, oooh this is my favorite part, I say, "Let the green girl go!" An-and then I point this stick at the guards!

Celestial Voice- You mean a gun?

Fiyero- Whatever! Stick, gun, same difference!

Celestial Voice- Get out of here Fiyero!

Galinda- It's my turn to try and attract Madame Morrible's attention!

Elphaba- Are we forgetting someone?

Everyone- Erm........ no!

Celestial Voice- Think harder!

Fiyero- I know!

Everyone- You do?

Fiyero- Oh wait, never mind.

Elphaba- Dang, now I'm going need to have a Galinda moment. Look, It's Elphaba!

Galinda- Fellow Shizians!

Elphaba- Don't sing that!

Galinda- ...Let us be glad...

Elphaba- Don't make me get the duct tape!

Galinda- O.O

Elphaba- Nessa, you were leaving?

Nessa- I was?

Morrible- Oh yeah, sorry! (to Elphaba) You, room with (points to Galinda) her. You (points to Nessa) room with me.

Elphaba- WHAT?!

Galinda- WHAT?!

Nessa- WHAAAT?!

Morrible- Come on Nessie!

Nessa- Rawr!

Elphaba- OH NO YOU DON'T!! (Elphaba summons chair, and it comes to her.)

Students- Oooh! AGAIN! AGAIN!

Morrible- Cool!

Nessa- I hate you Elphaba!

Elphaba- I hate you too!

Morrible- Cool! Brandon! (Claps twice. Gangster wannabe appears.(Brandon))

Brandon- (hands Elphaba a business card) You're in the club.

Elphaba- I'm in the club?

Morrible- My sorcery club!

Elphaba- I'M IN THE CLUB!!

Morrible- Oh the wizard might stop by and see how his future minion...er...I mean grand vizier is doing.

Elphaba- Who's that?

Celestial Voice- Erm....you.

Elphaba- THE WIZARD'S CLUB!?

Galinda- NOOOOO!!!

Elphaba- I'M IN THE WIZARD'S CLUB! I 'M IN THE WIZARD'S CLUB!!!!!

* * *

**Remember my catch-phrase- Reviews are funny. (see end note on first chapter)**

**-Areyoufeelingwicked**


	3. Seven Minus Five is

**Disclaimer- Guess what!? I bought Wicked! Sorry just kidding. I wish I owned wicked, but I don't...**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Round III

Morrible- Oh Miss Elphaba, many ...

Students- Many, many, many, many, many, many...

Morrible- years I have waited...

Students- many, many, many!

Morrible- OKAY, OKAY! For a gift like yours to appear...

Galinda- I WANT A GIFT!!

Elphaba- You have a gift alright.

Galinda- I do? Where?

Elphaba- Oh you're let's just say.....you're very special.

Galinda- Yay!

Elphaba-_ Really _special.

Morrible- The wizard could make you his magic grand vizier.

Boq- Did she just say, " The wizard has a grand big rear."?

Elphaba- Get your ears checked Tiny!

Boq- Sad face.

Celestial Voice- STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Boq- Sheesh! Sorry!

Morrible- My dear, my dear.

Elphaba- Is that a Deer or a deer?

Morrible- d-e-a-r.

Fiyero- Just get on with it you all are taking forever!

Celestial Voice- You wait your turn! Your song is 10 minutes long anyway!

Fiyero- Seven minutes and thirty seven seconds.

Celestial Voice- Ohhh, you CAN count!

Fiyero- This one is about five minutes long sooo.... seven minus five is...... seven minus five is.....

Celestial Voice- Scratch that.

Students- Is she done singing yet? ( Taking out ear plugs)

Celestial Voice- Who?

Fiyero- ....seven minus two is....

Galinda- Five.

Fiyero- ...seven minus- huh oh right! Seven minus five is.....

Students- Madame Morrible.

Celestial Voice- Oh, (looks over to find Elphaba holding an insanely long note) yeah.

Fiyero- ...seven minus five is....._seven minus five is_....

Celestial Voice- YOU CAN'T BE THAT STUPID!

Fiyero- Believe it honey.

Celestial Voice- Creep, go find your own chapter to ruin.

Wizard- (to Elphaba) Well unless you learn some proper English...

Celestial Voice- Now what's _your_ problem?

Wizard- who me?

Celestial Voice- Yes you.

Wizard- Couldn't be.

Celestial Voice- Then who?

Elphaba- Wait! There will be no cookies in this chapter!

Galinda- Cookies?

Wizard- As I was saying Miss Elphaba, folks around here appreciate proper English or Oz-

Elphaba- Who says folks anyway? What a weird word! Folks! I think you should stop saying that because it makes you sound like you are from some bizarre place. Under the moon, before the stars.

Somewhere under the rainbow...

Fiyero- MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!

Audience Member- MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!

Wizard- What's wrong with him?

Celestial Voice- He's just stupid.

Wizard- Not Fiyero, the guy with the...

Audience Member- MY EYYYYYEEEES!!!!!

Wizard- Yeah, him.

Celestial Voice- It's kind of a long story involving a script, an ice cube, some beer and pretzels.

Wizard- Forget I asked.

Celestial Voice- Good choice.

Elphaba- You're a wizard-

Celestial Voice- Duh.

Elphaba- I wasn't finished yet. Anyway can you fix his eye because-

Audience Member- MY EYEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Elphaba- Excuse me, eyesssss because he's been disrupting the whole play!?

Wizard- Well, I....er....should...be getting back to my chapter....yeah! Sooo, bye!

Celestial Voice- Wonderful.

Elphaba- They call him wonderful?

Celestial Voice- I was being sarcastic.

Fiyero- Two!

Celestial Voice- Two what? I don't think I could handle two of you at all.

Elphaba- You don't think? No, (points to Fiyero) _He_ doesn't think!

Fiyero- Two! Seven minus five is two!!!

Elphaba- Oh so you CAN count!

Fiyero- Always a surprise.

Celestial Voice- That's what I said!

Elphaba- End.

Celestial Voice- End what? Sheesh people, learn your sentence structures!

Elphaba- We need an end!

Celestial Voice- To this chapter? I agree!

Elphaba- Actually I was talking about the song, I never finished.

Fiyero- Did you even start?

Elphaba- You didn't hear it? Oh, I'll sing it again!

Everyone- NOOOOO!

Celestial Voice- (Frantically) Er.... CUE THE WIZARD!

Wizard- That's All Folks!

Elphaba- That's lame!

Celestial Voice- But a classic.

Elphaba- Still lame!

Celestial Voice- A classic never dies!

Elphaba- Oh really?

Celestial Voice-Yup, let's hear it again!

Wizard- That's All Folks! 

**Sorry that was really long! This chapter was really hard!**

**Reviews are funny!**


	4. What is this, duct tape?

**A/n I love this! So many people reviewed it shocked me half to death! So a special dedication to ElphabaROCKS, slytheringrl573, MG6673, Beautifully Tragic Girl, GraceCannon, musicgal3, Fabala Tiggular, werewolf-in-training, xXCherry-PieXx, phoenixbird777, James Birdsong, and Chanel Besos. Please forgive me for misspellings! See all you have to do for a dedication is review!**

**Disclaimer- NO!!!!!**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies.

Round IV

Both- (opposite sides of room)

Galinda- Ew!

Elphaba- Ew!

Galinda- (reaching for Elphaba's side) Must-add-pink!!

Elphaba- Must-depinkify!

Celestial Voice- mauhamfufs_ducttape_mauaifnuj

Elphaba- WAIT! I just had an ippifany! Let's divide the room in half with duct tape and pretend we have out own dorms!

Galinda- As long as we use pink duct tape!

Elphaba- Blue.

Galinda- Pink.

Elphaba- Blue.

Galinda- Pink.

Elphaba- Let's just compromise and use purple!

( Both walk over to apply the duct tape)

Galinda- Let me do it!

Elphaba- Fat chance.

Galinda- Why not?

Elphaba- You're too incompetent.

Galinda- Incompetent?

Elphaba- Incompetent.

Galinda- Incompetent....

Elphaba- Incompetent.

Celestial Voice- GET OVER IT!! INCOMPETENT MEANS STUPID OR INCAPABLE!

Galinda- Stupid?

Elphaba- Stupid.

Galinda- Stupid....

Elphaba- Stupid.

Celestial Voice- Sweet Oz!!! Don't make _m_eget the duct tape!

[ silence ]

Celestial Voice- Better!

Elphaba- Ooookaaaay. (Begins applying duct tape, but Galinda's hair gets in the way)

Galinda- AAAAHHH!!!

Audience Member- HER EYE!!!

Celestial Voice- Do you always have to yell? 

Galinda- NO WORSE!!

Audience Member- MY EYES?!!!

Galinda- Errr.... no...M-M-MY H-HAAAAIIIIIIIIIR!!

Elphaba- (sarcastically) Oh no, Miss Prissy Prissy got one strand of her hair stuck in the duct tape.

Galinda- Two!

Celestial Voice- Nice.

Audience Member- GET THE INJURED PERSON SOME ICE!!!!!

Elphaba- ( Happily throws ice at Galinda)

Galinda- MY-

Audience Member- EYE!

Galinda- Would you stop that? My eye isn't hurt.

Audience Member- How would I know that? I can't see!

Galinda- Well the only thing hurt is my reputation. (Turns to Elphaba) I hope you're happy! I hope you're happy now! I hope you're happy how you-

Elphaba- Wrong song.

Galinda- Ohh. [pause] LA LA LAA LAAAAAAAAA!

Elphaba- Not quite.

Galinda- Er..... GO AND HUNT HER AND FIND HER AND-

Elphaba-Oooookaaaaay. Do you want a hint?

Galinda- Please?

Elphaba- Do you like sugar?

Galinda- SUGAR?!

Elphaba- Oh boy. Do you know any songs about popsicles?

Galinda- Uhhhh....... not really.

Elphaba- ( slaps her palm to her forehead)

Celestial Voice- I LOATH YOU ALL! I QUIT!!!!!

Elphaba- Now do you understand all the hints?

Galinda- No.

Elphaba- Of course you don't. I guess I'll just start without you. My Dear Father, there's been some confusion over-

Galinda- duct tape here at Shiz.

Elphaba- but of course I'll bare the color.

Galinda- but of course I'll cry about it.

Both- For I don't know how I'd otherwise respond, yes.

Authoress- You ruined my Narrator!!!!

Both- It was her fault!

Audience Member- MY EYE!!

Both- And him.

Authoress- (Staring at Audience Member) I believe it. What happened to him again?

Both- Don't ask.

Authoress- Okay. What I was previously going to say was, if you waste the rest of my paper, you're in deep water.

Galinda- * snort * What are _you_ going to do?

Authoress- Muahahahahahahaa! Galinda, do you have a boyfriend?

Galinda- Only nine.

Authoress- Wow. Do you know Fiyero Tiggular?

Galinda- That hunky Winky prince with-

Authoress- Yeah him.

Elphaba- Also known as the dude who keeps interrupting. Hey you should do a demonstration of your almighty authoress powers on Galinda.

Galinda- Can it, Veggie!

Authoress- Just watch yourself Upland.

Galinda- Gladly!!!

Elphaba- Innuendo.....

Authoress- WE ARE NOT GOING THERE. UH HUH NOT IN MY PARODY!

Creepy People- DANG IT!!!!

Authoress- Your running out of time my dears, only two pages left.

Fiyero- That reminds me of what the Wicked Witch says to Dorothy Gale about the hour glass, and how much time she has left to live before she dies.

Authoress- How did I know you would show up.

Fiyero- Aren't you writing this?

Authoress- What do you mean? He he he he.

(Both look over to find Elphaba chasing Galinda around with the duct tape in hand)

Authoress- Ooookaaaay.

Fiyero- Scary.

Authoress- Everyone loves that son you sing.

Fiyero- Thanks. 

Authoress- ( Singing) You're life will end up changing...

Fiyero- You don't have to sing!

Authoress- ....while you're dancing...

Fiyero- ( Mumbling) sounds weird when a girl sings it.

Authoress- (hurried singing) Through! Watch yourself Tiggular.

**See this is why the relationship with Fiyero and Galinda really didn't work out. He's annoying, She's annoying, so their annoying together. CAN'T WAIT 'TILL DANCING THROUGH LIFE I HAVE SO MANY OF MY OWN AND _OTHER PEOPLES IDEAS_!!! SEND YOUR IDEAS IN!!!**

**And remember Reviews are funny!**

-areyoufeelingwicked


	5. Something Baaaaaaaaaaaaa

**A/N- I am terribly sorry for the long wait I had terrible writers block and lack of motivation but I am BACK ON TRACK!!!! Yaaaay!**

**Dedicated to – Pretty much the same old people, who have stayed with me as more than moral support.**

**Disclaimer Still not mine..**

**Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies**

**Round V**

**Something Bad**

Boq- Hello Miss Galinda!

Galinda- Erm... Who are you?

Boq- You don't know me, but I love you!

Galinda- That's sort of creepy.

Boq- Oh! My name is Boq.

Galinda- Boq...._Boq_...THAT'S A MUNCHIN NAME!!!

Elphaba- Boq, you better run.

Boq- (runs and hides.)

Galinda-_ Come out, come out, wherever you are. And meet the young lady who'll make you see stars!_

(Dr. Dillamond walks in.)

Dr. Dillamond- Miss Glinda, please relinquish the apparatus or I will have to confiscate it.

Galinda- What?

Elphaba- Sorry Dr. Dillamond, all she hears is, "Blah blah blah Galinda blah blah blah."

Authoress- (Chuckles.)

Dr. Dillamond- Miss Glinda and everyone else, here are your essays. And I don't mean to point finger but... ( Grabs a random persons sleeve and pulls it so their arm is pointing at Galinda.) Some people need to work on their communication through writing skills. But Miss Elphaba is my new favorite because through this composition, I have learned that she shares the same political views as myself. So if I ignore you, it's not because I don't like you, it's just I like Elphaba better. And now after that comment if you could all direct your attention to the chalkboard...

Galinda- (Raises hand) I thought history was history.

Elphaba- You idiot.

Boq- How do you spell idiot?

Elphaba- B-O-Q

Boq- Than- HEY!!!!

Dr. Dillamond-.... about the great doubt. On the other side of the chalkboard...(Flips board)

Everyone- (Gasps)

Boq- (reading aloud) aNIMALS SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD!

Elphaba- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Authoress- It means My CAPS lock is not working properly.

Elphaba-( Snorts) Amateur...

Authoress- Can it!

Elphaba- Make me!

Authoress- Gr! (Fixes board while mumbling something about not how she imagined Elphaba...)

Dr. Dillamond- Alright everyone except Miss Elphaba, OUT!!

Elphaba- Creepy.

Dr. Dillamond- Dude, Something Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-

Elphaba- D!!!!

Dr. Dillamond- a-a-a-a-d

Authoress- Since you guys ruined my Celestial Voice, ( mumbles something about a psychiatrist.) I will have to try some new narrators so... Stand by.

[Dead silence]

Yoda- Quiet we are, yes.

Elphaba- (chuckles.)

Authoress- Thropp, do you realize what color Yoda is?

Elphaba- (Shuts up)

Yoda- Offended, I am!

Gandalf- A chalkboard is never wrong, it writes exactly what it means to.

Dr. Dillamond- I don't think I like that one very much. It's too metaphorical.

Fiyero- BOOO!!!

Authoress- Aw. I like Gandalf.

Dumbledore- Lemon drop?

Fiyero- OH! Thank you! (Crunching) Yum yum yum yum yum!

Elphaba- Wow. (sarcastically)

Dr. Dillamond- I'm allergic to lemon drops.

Dumbledore- Noooo. (in disbelief.)

Dr. Dillamond- Yup.

Snape- Ten points from Gryffindor.

Fiyero- Er.....I liked the last one better.

Authoress- Well you're not even supposed to be here, so deal with it.

Fiyero- But I would have missed the candy!

Authoress- Whatever.

Darth Vader- (Deep raspy breathing) Elphaba.....I......am.......your......FATHER!

[Shocked expressions all around]

Authoress- Wait, I thought that was the Wizard!

Everyone- Woah......

Authoress- Er... (looks around frantically) Please hold.

Miss Hannigan- FIYERO I AM TOLD YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE SO GET OUT!!!

Fiyero- Sheesh!

[Fiyero leaves]

Everyone left in the room- We love you Miss Hannigan!

Authoress- Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!

Galinda- Yes?

Authoress- GET OUT GALINDA! ( Throws something at Galinda but misses)

Audience Member- MY EYE!!!

Authoress- I was no were near hitting you!

[Fiyero chokes on lemon drop]

Galinda and Elphaba- Fiyerooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Elphaba- Elekanamen...

Galinda- CURSE YOU DUMBLEDORE! (pushes Albus off the astronomy tower)

Authoress- Hey calm down!! Kill Albus Dumbledore grrrr.

Fiyero- False alarm! I just swallowed the wrong way.

Elphaba- (finishes chanting)

[puff of bad smelling smoke erupts from the room]

Fiyero- Uh...I'm a scarecrow.

Elphaba- He's a scarecrow?

Authoress- HE'S A SCARECROW?! Thropp!!!! You ruined my plot. We have to change him back. We HAVE to change him back!

Elphaba- How?

Fiyero- Dunno.

Authoress- You can stay out of this conversation, Fiyero, unless you come up with a good idea.

Fiyero- Idea...idea?

Authoress- ( to Elphaba) Ignore him.

Elphaba- Any ideas? Oh I know! Let's ask the magic 8 ball!

Magic 8 ball- Ask again later.

Elphaba- Later? What? Okay, it's later now, ask again.

Magic 8 ball- Ask again later.

Elphaba- WHO MAKES THESE CHEAP TOYS? All it ever says is ask again later. Later, when I smash it to a billion pieces!!

Fiyero- Bingo!

Elphaba- We left the bingo cards in my dorm room, besides this is no time to play bingo.

Fiyero- What if you said the spell backwards?

Elphaba- What?!

Fiyero- What if you said-

Authoress- That's not a very good idea.

Boq- It's just stupid enough to work.

Authoress- Get out Boq!

Boq – Sheesh! Okay, alright.

Authoress- Now, Boq.

Boq- Okay I'm leavin'.

Elphaba- enmakele eutam euta nemakele...

[ Same puff of smoke ]

Fiyero- YEAH!

Authoress- That's great. Get out of here.

Dr. Dillamond- Something bad just happened here in Oz!

Porky Pig- a-the-a-the-a-the-a That's all Folks!

**A/N Reviews are funny. Please review! Thanks to those who already reviewed. And I hoped you liked it. It was not my favorite but..... it's okay.**


	6. Dancing Through Part 1

**A/N- I lied... I got so tired of reviewing for my Spanish final that I wrote this... Sorry. I probably won't write any more until Thursday when term ends. (sniffs and gives a sad depressed face. And says, "Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. Areyoufeelingwicked makes it now." Those of you thinking, "She's lost it." That was a quote from the Prince's Bride, which if you have not seen you need to.**

Just Another One Of Those Wicked Parodies

Round VI Dancing Through Life

part one

Elphaba- If he doesn't get here soon I'll kill him.

Galinda- Oh don't do that.

Elphaba- Why not?

Nessarose- The Unnamed God does not appreciate murder.

Elphaba- Um...okay We should at least start a campfire and sit around it in a circle singing Kumbya.

Boq- Why?

Elphaba- Just to see his reaction.

Boq- I'm in.

[Fiyero enters]

Fiyero- Nice fire, can you pass me a marshmallow?

Celestial Voice- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! FOR EVERYONE ELSES PART YOU SHOW UP EARLY, WHEN YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, YET YOU'RE LATE FOR YOUR OWN?

Fiyero- Pretty much yeah.

Celestial Voice- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Fiyero- You.

Celestial Voice- Oh really?

Fiyero- Yeah.

Celestial Voice- How so?

Fiyero- The trouble with you is, you're always trying to teach me a lesson.

Music- Do do do.

Elphaba- That does not fit.

Galinda- WOW he comes with his own orchestra!

Fiyero- You want me to become less callow, less shallow.

Celestial Voice- Less callow, less shallow.

Fiyero- But, you're wrong. Enjoy life while it's happening.

Elphaba- Did the music stop? (pauses to listen) Dang it.

Galinda- I _love_ that name! Fiyero..._Fiyero...__**Fiyero...**__Fiyero..._

Elphaba- Idiot..._Idiot...__**Idiot...**__Idiot..._ Wow Galinda, obsess much?

Galinda- What does_ obsess_ mean? Oh! Does it mean Fiyero?

Elphaba- In your case it does.

Fiyero- LOOK AT THAT TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!

Elphaba- The one in the chair? Fiyero- Um...no.

Elphaba- That seems _so _unfair. Fiyero- (to Galinda) You're _perfect!_

Galinda_-You're_ perfect.

Elphaba- YOU'RE SO PERFECT TOGETHER!

Celestial Voice- Elphaba, no ruining the plot!

Elphaba- No, really. (points to Galinda) You're stupid. (Points to Fiyero) You're stupid. So, you're stupid together.

Celestial Voice- Fiyero is stupid I must agree- Fiyero- HEY!

Celestial Voice- ...but Miss Galinda is a different story. She has sort of an appealing look to her-

Audience Member- EYES!

Elphaba- (shudders) Soo, soooo wrong!

Celestial Voice- I can work with that.

Elphaba- What? Being creepy?

Celestial Voice- No it's just...(sighs) never mind.

Fiyero-Audience Member needs to chill.

Audience Member- YOU CHILL!

Fiyero- Any cooler and I'd be ice.

[Fiyero lovers across the world sigh]

Elphaba- Oh brother. (Obviously no longer interested in the conversation she pulls out a dictionary and begins to read.)

Celestial Voice- You're reading the dictionary?

Elphaba- Yeah.

Celestial Voice- You're reading...the dictionary.

Elphaba- YES!

Hermione- Cool! Can I join?

Elphaba- Erm... What are you? Eight?

Hermione- Twelve.

Elphaba- Whatever. No.

Hermione- Don't make me hex you!

[Long Pause]

Elphaba- Jerk. (Shares dictionary)

Celestial Voice- Who is she?

[Hermione runs out of the room yelling about Voldemort inquiring her name.]

Neville- I-I-I'll fight you.

Harry- Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this; AVADA KADADRA!

[Dead Neville]

Galinda- (Screams)

Fiyero- Talk about party crashers...

Elphaba- What is this? Attack of the Munchkins or something? Where did you come from?

Boq- That is NOT nice!

Hermione- HARRY THAT WAS THE WRONG SPELL! YOU KILLED HIM!

Ron- Oh, Neville was looking for the lot of you... NEVILLE I FOUND 'EM!

[Neville walks in]

Neville- Is that me on the floor?

Elphaba- Twilight zone moment! Alright everyone get...out!

Ron- Woah, you're _green!_ How did you do that? Can you show me? Oh, by the way, I'm Ron Weasly.

Elphaba- Everyone but this kid. I like him.

[Ron gets creeped out and leaves anyway]

Fiyero- What was that? The kinder parade?

Authoress- NO IT WAS HARRY POTTER! (sighs)

Fiyero- Oh a potter parade.

Boq- Miss Galinda!

Galinda- Oh no...

Boq- Miss-

Galinda- BOQ! YOU SEE THAT DORK IN THE CHAIR?

Boq- Who? Elphaba?

[Elphaba stands up abruptly]

Galinda- No the one with the jeweled shoes.

Boq- You mean ruby?

Fiyero- I think they're silver.

Audience member- They're glass.

Fiyero- Thank you for not yelling.

Galinda- Who cares! I mean...

Boq, why don't you go ask her to dance. Maybe while you are out, you can figure out what those shoes are made of for me.

Fiyero- (to Galinda) So... I'll see you around eight?

Galinda- Right.

* * *

**Sorry I thought I had already published this chapter! Since I already wrote part II dancing through life all I have to do is type it up. ** **Reviews are funny.**


	7. Dancing Through Part 2

**A/N Sorry I've been gone so long folks I have been out of town with my Aunt but that doesn't mean I didn't write! Hence this chapter.**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies Dancing Through Life

Part II of Chapter VI

Shenshen- Yikes! This is an ugly hat!

McGonagall- (Grabs sorting hat out of Shenshen's hands) We were looking for that!

Pfannee- Wrong hat.(Hands Shenshen and identical hat)

Shenshen- Ew, this hat is-

Pfannee- outrageously-

Shenshen- completely

Pfannee- totally-

Shenshen- not

Pfannee- deliciously-

Shenshen- amazing.

Galinda- You took the words right out of my mouth.

[Elphaba walks in]

Pfannee- Fresh meat!

Galinda- Elphaba, you want this outrageously, completely, totally, not deliciously amazing hat right?

Elphaba- I-I-I

Galinda- It's at the height of Oz fashion! (Whispering to Shenshen and Pfannee at this point) During the early 1900's or so.

Both of Galinda's followers/Death Eaters/slaves- (Giggling)

Elphaba- You two are freaks, you know that right? Wait so you want me, to take the outrageously...

Galinda- completely-

Elphaba- totally-

Galinda- Not-

Elphaba- deliciously

Galinda- amazing-

Elphaba- Hat?

Galinda- YES, HERE! (shoves hat into Elphaba's arms)

Elphaba- Okay then...

[Fiyero enters the room]

Fangirls- NO! HE GOT RID OF HIS WHITE PANTS!

Elphaba- Oh good! No one, should ever have pants that must stretch like that, just to fit.

[fangirls attack Elphaba]

Elphaba- Please help me!

Celestial Voice- How?]

Elphaba- Anything!

Celestial Voice- HEY LOOK!

[Fangirls pause]

Celestial Voice- It's Fiyero!

Fangirls- ( run off stage )

Fiyero- (comes out of the opposite stage entrance he glances at the screaming mob of girls running opposite direction ) Echolocation?

Elphaba- (giggles)

Celestial Voice- WOAH!

Fiyero- WOAH!

Galinda- WOAH!

Nessarose- WOAH

Boq- WOAH!

Shiz Students- WOAH!

Elphaba- DID I JUST GIGGLE?

Fiyero- (nods gravely)

[Stunned Silence]

Elphaba- ( Clears voice ) That was very girly and I hope to never do that again.

Fiyero- Moving on...

Boq- Miss Galinda?

Galinda- Sweet Oz...Yes?

Boq- Nessa said that they were ruby.

Fiyero- Glass.

Audience Member- Emerald.

Elphaba- Fiyero, this isn't Cinderella they are jeweled shoes. Who cares what they are made of?

Fiyero- I do.

Audience Member- I do.

Galinda- I do.

Boq- I do too!

Elphaba- Is there an Echo in here?

[Silence]

Boq- THERE, THERE! I SEE IT!

Fiyero- Ew! It's hideous!

Elphaba- No, stupid that is Madame Morrible.

Boq and Fiyero- Ohhh...

Elphaba- Anyway if you really care that much go look it up!

Fiyero- Never mind.

Audience Member- I don't care that much.

Galinda- I changed my mind.

Boq- Me too.

Fiyero- Let's Dance!

Boq- WAIT! Nessa,

Nessa- ( to the Taylor) Yes, I want my wedding dress to be white.

Boq- Uh...Nessa, I've got something to confess-

Nessa- Well I'm all ears.

Boq- The reason why, well,-

Nessa- Spit it out...

Boq- Why I asked you here tonight.

Nessa- Didn't you bring me here because the punch bowl was here?

Boq- ...I meant the ballroom.

Nessa- Why then?

Boq- Erm...because...er...because (looks at Nessa's shoes) BECAUSE YOU ARE SOO BEAUTIFUL

Nessarose- Oh Boq, I think you're wonderful!

Wizard- WONDERFUL, THEY CALL ME WONDERFUL! IN FACT-

Fiyero- (chasing The Wizard of Oz off the stage) MY SONG, NOT YOURS MINE!

(Crickets chirping)

Celestial Voice- Cue Elphaba!

Nessa- ( to Elphaba) I'm in love with Boq!

Elphaba- Er...Nessa...that's...

Nessa- And it's all because of (dreamy voice) Galinda. And I know it isn't fair, but you're my slave- er... sister. Can you thank her for me?

Elphaba- Weren't you supposed to ask me that earlier?

Nessa- Well, there's been a lot going on...

Elphaba- Well, why can't you thank her yourself?

Nessa- I told you, you're my slave- er...sister!

Elphaba- (slaps her palm to her forehead) You know I can hear you say slave...

Nessa- ( makes a motion much likes she is cracking a whip at Elphaba) HYA SLAVE HYA!

Elphaba- (gives Nessa an unimpressed stare) Whatever. (walks away) I'll see what I can do.

[ at the Ozdust]

Galinda- What is that smell?

Morrible- Miss Galinda?

Everyone- (screams)

Boq- IT'S THE ECHO! It's haunting me!

Random Dancer- ( faints )

(more screaming)

Audience Member- MY EYES THEY BURN!

Morrible- (obliviously carries on) Kevin! (She claps twice, and a gangster wannabe appears and hands Galinda a card.)

Kevin- You're in the club.

Galinda- The wizard's club? Wait where is Brandon?

Morrible- Um...we don't talk about that! The wand is from Miss Elphaba. ( She leaves)

Random Dancer- IS SHE GONE?

Galinda- (softly) Yes... she's gone.

**Reviews are funny. Sorry I have been so behind on reviewing but I have been at camp and out of town. On one occasion I forgot my spiral but it's all good now!**


	8. Dancing Through Part 3

**A/N well this is the shortest chapter I have ever written...enjoy**

**Disclaimer- Don't even ask...**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Dancing Through Life

Part III

Boq- Dancing through life...

Glinda- (whispering to Fiyero) What is he doing?

Fiyero- Debuting for his singing career.

Boq- When you're dancing through ( voice cracks) Li-ife!

Galinda- Ow! What in Oz name?

Fiyero- What was _that?_

Elphaba- Is there a goose in here?

Galinda- There was...

Fiyero- But it died...of uh...

Galinda- old age it was uh...

Fiyero- Defective! We had to put the poor thing down.

[Boq gets yanked off the stage]

Fiyero- It wasn't a very good Goose anyway.

Elphaba- Goose? GOOSE? Like capital G? He had a soul! He could have been your friend! He could have saved your life! You MURDERERS!

Celestial Voice- (to Authoress) She's defying Tiggular.

Elphaba- MURDERERS!

Fiyero- Elphaba...I

Elphaba- Man slaughter!

Fiyero- It was a-

Elphaba- You slaughtered a man!

Galinda- Sheesh! Lay off the Brian Regan!

Elphaba- Oh you watch Brian?

Celestial Voice- Crisis averted.

Fiyero- That was over fast!\

Galinda- Yeah, he's sooo funny! What's your favorite?

Elphaba- The spelling bee!

Fiyero- I'm in a living commercial!

Galinda-Oh, that one is good but I like the walkie talkies.

Fiyero- Girls?

Elphaba- Uh...I'll have an extra medium.

Fiyero- Elphaba?...Galinda?

Galinda- What about the nitwit size?

Fiyero- Just like that?

Celestial Voice- It's that easy.

Fiyero- Oh my...( looks at the two girls who once hated each other ) When you're dancing through!

Nessa- That's all?

Fiyero- Yup.

Boq- Really?

Fiyero- Yes.

Shenshen- So...Galinda is in Sorcery now?

Fiyero- Yeah (sighs) It's such a shame I'm not going to be there to watch it. That would have been the most entertainment I've had in a long time.

Celestial Voice- (snorts) Oh the humiliation for Galinda...

Brian Regan- Alright kids up against the wall. It's time for public humiliation!

Boq- Where did you come from?

Brian- Well...I...uh... My mommy says I come from heaven.

Fiyero- Ooookay. Alright guys let's line up!

[The Shiz students follow him merrily as though they are participating in a parade.]

Celestial Voice- I don't think you were actually supposed to line up...

Fiyero- Oh.

[Quite Chatter]

Fiyero- It's quiet...too quiet. Hey! Where are the girls?

Fiyeraba Fans- _Where's Elphaba?_

Falinda Fan- _Where's Galinda?_

Set Director- Scene change!

Fiyero- Seen what?

Set Director- Scene change.

Fiyero- No I haven't seen much change around here. Everything pretty much stays the same. Except I'm pretty sure I raised the amount of fun everybody is having here at Shiz...

Set Director- No, S-C-E-N-E scene change. As in your song is over.

Fiyero- Over? (Becomes teary-eyed.)

Set Director- OV-ER.

Nessa- That's all?

Boq- Don't start _that_ again!

**Reviews are funny...**

**Thanks for reading! This Chapter was Dedicated to PocketSevens for giving me SOOO many good ideas that you should be seeing soon! I am so excited!**

**Thanks guys! Happy 4th of July!**


	9. Poppilar

**A/N- First off I would like to inform you all that I wrote this in blue pen. And second of all I would be very pleased if everyone would accept my apology for for having my chapters updated so late. For I have been in a theater camp (no we are not doing Wicked don't even bother to ask). It ends tomorrow. When we do our final performance. We put together a musical in two weeks! But I know you all don't care about that so...With out further ado...the latest chapter of**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Popular

Galinda- Your first party?

Elphaba- Yeah.

Galinda- Ever?

Elphaba- Erm...yes.

Galinda- Ev-er?

Elphaba- I'm not lying to you.

Galinda- Wow...Okay let's each tell one another a secret that we've never told anyone else before!

[Stunned silence from Elphaba]

Galinda- Well okay then...I guess I, Galinda Uppland, will take the liberty of going first! (Dramatic Pause) Fiyero and I...(Pause) are (Pause) going to be (Pause) married! Surprised are you?

Elphaba- Wait, he's asked you already?

Galinda- Oh no! It's a surprise for him too! Now let's play spin the bottle!

Gelphie Fans- Yes! _Yes!_

Elphaba- Um...I don't think so Miss Uppland you probably don't even know what spin the bottle is. You may have also overlooked the fact that you need a bottle to play spin the bottle. I don't have one and I don't see why a popular chick like you would have anything but a perfume bottle.

Galinda- Well you have this one! ( Pulls bottle out form beneath Elphaba's pillow and waves it tauntingly above the green girl's head despite the height difference)

Elphaba- Give that back!

Galinda- Oh is this important?

Elphaba- Come on give it back!

Galinda- Come on tell me!

Elphaba- It was my mother's that's all!

Galinda- Oh...okay! Now, let's see look at yourself you're-

Elphaba- (lightens up a bit.)

Galinda- Nerdy and unpopular! Which is what I, Galinda Uppland, am here to change. Follow my lead (singing now) and yes indeed (pause) will (pause) be (Pause)

Elphaba- Follow you? Ha! That sound like a good way to...

AC/DC- On the highway to hell...

Elphaba- Exactly. And if you pause like that again it's not going to be pretty.

Galinda- (Ignoring Elphaba) You wait right here while I go get my makeup! (squeals excitedly before exiting)

Elphaba- (Thinking aloud) Okay, there has to be a solution. A solution to escape a pink (glances in the doorway Galinda just disappeared into.) sparkley death. Well, there's always knocking her out... with what? A lamp would leave a mark as would a vase of flowers. Flowers...FLOWERS! Poppies! Poppies will put her to sleep! Galinda I have something for you!

Galinda- Oh good! My popularization and denerdification session seems to be already working! (Skips into room and takes the flowers from Elphaba) Now let's put your hair down. (Galinda rips the hair tie out of Elphaba's braid mercilessly.) Very pretty! Now I'll just tuck the flowers that you gave me, behind your ear and bingo!

Fiyero- Why Miss Elphaba, you're beautiful!

Galinda and Elphaba- Get out of here!

[Fiyero leaves much to the disappointment of the Falinda fan and Fiyeraba fans]

Galinda- He's right you know, you are beautiful.

Elphaba- (thoughtfully looks into the mirror handed to her by Galinda.) Thank you Galinda I look...like...you stole my glasses, pulled my hair down, and stuck a poppy in there. You're a genius! Why did I not think of that? Thank you!

Galinda- You're welcome!

Elphaba- How in Oz is this supposed to make me more popular?

Galinda- (stylishly) Poppies are in...

Elphaba- Did you ever think to ask _me_ if _I _wanted to be popular?

Galinda- ( Ignoring Elphaba) Did I tell you Fiyero and I are going to be married?

Elphaba- I think so...(sarcastically) but you didn't sound very excited.

Galinda- (Gasp!) Whatever gave you the idea I wasn't excited?

Elphaba- (sarcastically) It could have been the super speed tone of voice or, the spastic jumping fits or-

Galinda- (Gasp!) What do you think I should wear to the wedding?

Elphaba- Oh something really interesting and outrageous, like...a green dress covered in sparkles with one sleeve and a funny circular hat-

Galinda- What should I wear to the reception?

Elphaba- You change outfits between the wedding and reception?

Galinda- Well, no...I guess I'll just have to make a fashion statement then!

Elphaba- Oh brother.

[Curtains in the dorm room moves as though someone is disturbing them]

Galinda- Did you see that Elphie?

Elphaba- Yes, I- ELPHIE? (Cackles) Aheheheheheheheeee! Don't call me that.

Galinda- Okay Elphie!

[Elphaba rolls her eyes, soon after, the curtain moves again]

Fiyero- (Shrill, girlish scream) THE CURTAIN MOVED!

Elphaba- You check it out Galinda!

Galinda- No, you go!

[Long awkward pause]

Elphaba and Galinda- You go! (point to Fiyero)

Fiyero- (Gives a high pitched girlish scream runs out of the room, flailing his arms.)

Elphaba- Okay...(Thinks for a moment, then whistles. A small black dog runs into the room.) Toto, come here boy!

Elphaba- You, (points to Toto) go over and open the curtain!

Toto- Okay.

Galinda- Oh, he's a Dog...

Elphaba- Oh.

[Curtain opens]

Elphaba- Gasp!

Galinda- Gasp!

Fiyero- Gasp!

Toto- Gasp!

Celestial Voice- Gasp!

Elphaba- Wait, who are you?

Man Behind Curtain- I-I-uh-I

Celestial Voice- Pay no attention to that man behind the-

Man Behind Curtain- Curtain! Dang this microphone!

Elphaba- Who are you? WHO ARE YOU?

Dorothy- I am Dorothy Gale small and meek!

Elphaba- Beat it kid.

Man Behind Curtain-Why I am the great and powerful Celestial Voice!

Fiyero- Cool! Can I play with your microphone?

Man Behind Curtain- No.

Galinda- You're a very bad man-

Lucy- Charlie Brown

Linus- No, it's 'You're a Good Man Charlie Brown.'

Frank Morgan- Oh I love this quote! No, no I'm a very good man! It's just I'm a very bad wizard I'm afraid.

Authoress- Alright anyone from another play needs to buzz off! ( Seeing that Frank Morgan is not included in the play people she adds) Movies too!

[Very soon after Morgan makes his exit, the fire alarm goes off.]

Authoress- Shut that thing off!

Man behind curtain- This is a good distraction!

Elphaba- ( Points to Man Behind Curtain ) I'm on to you!

Fiyero- Can you hear me?

Authoress- I can't hear the hunky winky prince!

Galinda- Huh? What? I can't hear you! LA LA LAA LAAA!

[Alarm shuts off]

Galinda- Laaa laaaaaa! You're just not quite as popular as meeeeee!

Elphaba- How _you_ Is that to end a song with meeeeeeeeee?

Galinda- Not you, meeeeee!

(Man Behind Curtain has surreptitiously slipped into a hot air balloon and floats away saying) See you folks later! Hahahahaha!

**Reviews are funny**

**Hey if ElphabaROCKS says anything about a blue fairy dress...think nothing of it. Lies lies I tell you! **

**Disclaimer- Still not mine!**

**Thank you all!**


	10. I'm not a girl

**A/N This chapter is dedicated to the following people for extensive help. ElphabaROCKS of course always a help. Pheonixbird777 and a special thanks to PocketSevens for helping me with so many ideas. **

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter X (10)

I'm not a Girl

Authoress- You let him go?

Shizians- Sorry boss.

Authoress- How could he have gotten away.

Shizians- Dunno boss.

Dandy Dan- You should punish them by not giving them flowers!

Authoress- Uhhh...no.

[Scene Changes]

Elphaba- I'm not that girl.

Fiyero- O.O

Elphaba- What? What's your problem?

Fiyero- What did you say?

Elphaba- What's your problem?

Fiyero- No, before that.

Elphaba- I'm not that girl.

Fiyero- (Cracks up laughing) Oh I thought you said, " I'm not a girl." I was really confusified because, you see-

Elphaba- Tiggular, you're ruining the moment.

Authoress- I don't think so.

[Scene Changes]

Dillamond- You must continue speaking out!

Elphaba- That shouldn't be a problem for Miss Upland.

Official- Take the goat away!

Elphaba and Dillamond- IT'S GOAT! With a G!

Official- Whatever.

Authoress- (Sighs) No...

[Scene Changes]

Elphaba- What on Earth is going on?

Fiyero- Yeah, the chapter has just started and we've been through three different scenes already!

Authoress- Have you ever had difficulties starting a story.

Fiyero- Uh...no.

Authoress- I didn't think you would've.

Elphaba- All the time.

Authoress- Exactly my point. Nothing seemed worthy quite yet.

Elphaba- (Yawns) I still can't believe Galinda kept me up for hours on end last night. Just so she could let down my hair and put a stupid poppy in it. Which later she said that a pink rose would look better, so she switches the stupid flowers and says, "Pink goes good with green." Not so, not so! Pink goes WELL with green.

Authoress- I could start with that.

[Scene Changes]

Elphaba- [flipping hair] Toss, toss, yawn, flip, toss.

Fiyero- Really? You've been Glin-taminated. Toss, flip. Yawn? Are you tired or what?

Elphaba- Six hours last night of (mimicking Galinda's voice) Toss, toss, flip, flip.

Dr. Dillamond- Alright class have a seat. This is my last day here at Shiz, so let's make this a good one. Class! Class! Sit down!

Elphaba- WHAT WHY ARE YOU LEAVING? Was it the chalk?

Dr. Dillamond- So much for everyone sitting down... No...it was not the chalk. I don't know why you even would think that this is a matter of chalk. How ever Miss Elphaba, I would like to thank you for sharing your lunch!

Elphaba- Um...any time...

Dr. Dillamond- (Being hauled away) I shall continue speaking out! You're not being told the whole story! So-

Spock- Live long and prosper!

Dr. Dillamond- Get out of here you green skinned alien!

Elphaba- AHEM!

Dr. Dillamond- I...uh...well...CONTINUE SPEAKING OUT!

Spock- I will never understand the emotions of the life forms of this world...beam me up Scott.

Official With Cage- Look kids this is called a cage!

Elphaba- Wow! (sarcastically) How elaborate! It's a box with bars!

Fiyero- Elphaba looks good when she's sarcastic.

Everyone Else- Oooooo!

Official With Cage- The best thing about a cage is that dangerous animals such as this Lion cub inside of this cage... (pulls another cage out. This one containing the Cub.) will never be a danger to anyone. Side effects include lack of speech.

Elphaba- How could that, innocent little Cub ever be of danger to _anyone?_

Official With Cage- Well you see him trying to shake the cage?

Elphaba- You mean the way he's trembling? Yeah really dangerous.

Official With Cage- Anyway you may be seeing more of these _cages_ in the future. Class come closer and get a good look.

Elphaba- ( To Fiyero) (Hits him on the arm with her book and says) Do something!

Fiyero- What?

Elphaba- I don't care anything!

Fiyero- Like light a fire?

Elphaba- Okay but we'll be needing some wood, and...of course there's always the matter of what to light it with...

Fiyero- HAVE YOU GONE MAD? ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?

Elphaba- Oh right. I better...do something!

Famous Historian- Sparks begin to fly everywhere. All the students and the Professor are moving uncontrollably except for Fiyero and Elphaba.

[At that moment a sword swoops down and decapitates the Historian thus, he is sacked. The narrated story was no more.]

Fiyero- What in Oz name did you do?

Elphaba- I didn't kill him!

Fiyero- Not the creepy old guy who knows everything. The Cirque du Soleil deal going on around us! What's up with that?

Elphaba- I got angry!

Fiyero- Woah! Note to self make Elphaba as happy as possible. Do not upset. Dire consequences.

Elphaba- Consequences, big word for you Fiyero.

Fiyero- Maybe I'm brainless maybe I'm wise.

Elphaba- You're brainless... Let's get this poor Cub to safety.

[Suddenly they are in the woods, puzzling the cast on the fact of how fast they got there.]

Elphaba- Don't shake him!

Fiyero- I'm not he's just...uh trembling! Yeah!

Elphaba- Umhm right. We'll have to find a safer spot to let him go. We can't just let him go anywhere. The (mockingly) _Consequences_ could be _dire._

Fiyero- I'm not as stupid as you think I am.

Elphaba- Yes you are.

Fiyero- (whining) No, I'm not! Any way, we could let him go over there.

Elphaba- Okay.

[The pair-

Fiyeraba fans- Sigh

Authoress- Get a hold of yourselves I was in the middle of an action there!

[Elphaba and Fiyero

Fiyeraba fans- Sigh

Authoress- Cut it out!

[Two people on set whose names will not be mentioned for reasons of progress, walk to the corner of the stage to let the Lion Cub go. At the same time they reach for the handle to release the cub. Momentarily they're hands touch.]

Fiyero-Uhh

Elphaba- Erm...

[Fiyero takes his hand away and wipes the sweat off his top lip.]

Elphaba- Did you just wipe your nose?

Fiyero- No I just-

Elphaba- I really hope you didn't wipe your nose earlier and then hold my hand because that would be just plain out nasty.

Fiyero- I just- I- Oh never mind! ( Fiyero opens the cage and the Lion Cub bounds away.)

[Those same two people try to close the cage at the same time again they're hands touch]

Elphaba- Really? Wash your hands Tiggular. That's gross. (She withdraws her hand just as a scream rings out.)

Audience Member- AAAAAAAAAH! THE LION IS ATTACKING ME! MY EYES! AAAAAAAAAH!

Fiyero- Wow I didn't see that coming.

Elphaba- Apparently neither did he...

[Those two people mentioned earlier stare a while before ]

Fiyero- I better take this cage and get rid of it.

Elphaba- (hands Fiyero the cage, again they're hands touch) You know Tiggular, sometimes I think you're trying to hold my hand...

Fiyero- Really? See ya.

[Fiyero runs off carrying the cage]

Elphaba- Fiyero...hm... Hands touch again and again with this dude. Eyes meet. Sudden silence-

Authoress- Awkward silence that is...

Elphaba- You're just jealous!

Authoress- Am not.

Elphaba- Are too!

Authoress- No, I could care less if you have your hunky winky prince with a scandalatious reputation.

Elphaba- Well, I'm not his girl.

[rain falls]

Elphaba- I'm not that girl. I know that now because it only rains to make the situation worse when you thought it wasn't going to get any worse. Now it can't get any worse...

[Morrible shows up]

Elphaba- (Gasps) I stand corrected.

Morrible- The wizard finally returned my call. I swear those big political figures can pretend to be so busy sometimes. Oh and he wishes to meet you.

[Elphaba practically leaps out of her emerald green skin]

Elphaba- HE DOES?

Morrible- Why yes. Here (hands her a green envelope)

Elphaba- Why is it always green? Um...what's in the envelope? (looks inside) It's empty. You just handed me an empty envelope.

Morrible- There's nothing in there? Why I could have sworn I put them in there...

Elphaba- Your empty envelope is getting soaked...

Morrible- Why that is easily remedied. (Claps twice and the rain instantly stops) TADA! Am I not amazing?

Elphaba- Fantastic. Now what were you looking for?

Morrible- Your train tickets...ah here they are! (Hands Elphaba train tickets to the Emerald city)

Elphaba- To the emerald city as fast as lightning! (Cackles and walks off)

[Scene Changes to the train station.]

Conductor- All aboard!

Nessarose- Elphaba, I'm so proud of you and I know father would be too

Elphaba- Aheheheheheheheheheheheee you're kidding right?

Nessa- Fine!Be like that! (Wheels away)

Conductor- All Aboard!

Elphaba- Wait Nessa!

Galinda- Let her go.

Elphaba- Why should I listen to you?

Galinda- She has to manage without you while you're gone. You can't help her your whole life.

Elphaba- Wow that was really deep.

Galinda- I know right? I saw this romance movie the other day and they said something like that it was actually a really good movie you should go see it.

Elphaba- Why isn't Fiyero with you? Not that I- It's just you're always with him and all that you know? I mean you're barely ever more that five or six feet away from one another.

Galinda- Ever since that day with the cage and Dr. Dillamond, he's been thinking!

[Dramatic Music]

Elphaba- Thinking?

[Dramatic Music]

Galinda- Thinking.

[Dramatic Music]

Elphaba- This could get interesting. Oh there's Mr. Thinker now.

Fiyero- I'm uhhh Happy for you Elphaba, really. [pause] Listen Elphaba, I've been thinking

[Dramatic Music]

Fiyero- That's kind of creepy... Any way, I brought you some flowers. (Hands her a bouquet)

Elphaba- Fiyero, that's so kind! Hey these are poppies. ( Gives a mischievous glance at Galinda, who in turn slides over a few steps.)

Galinda- I'm uh changing my name to Glinda!

Fiyero- What?

Elphaba- Why?

Galinda- Because I am not getting enough attention. AND in honor of Dr. Dillamond.

Fiyero- Wow...that's cool. Good luck Elphaba!

Elphaba- Bye!

Glinda-(crying) IDIDN'TWANTTOCHANGEMYNAAAAAMEEE!

Elphaba- Why did you do that then?

Glinda- IDON'T KNOW!

Elphaba- It's all going to be okay Galinda

Glinda- GLINDA! THE GA IS SILENT!

Conductor- All Aboard meaning get on now or we leave you!

Elphaba-I'll make it up to you...come with me to the Emerald city! Morrible gave me two tickets anyway. I don't know why... But come with me!

Glinda- Shopping?

Elphaba- Maybe...

Glinda-In that case...

Both- TO THE EMERALD CITY AS FAST AS LIGHTENING!

**A/N- Reviews are funny! **

**Thank you! Hope you all enjoyed it! Took me a loooong time to write this one. I worked all day. This one for a change actually follows the plot. Maybe I should stop...following the plot that is...Thanks again all you readers out there. And an even extra bigger Thank You to the Reviewers out there! You know who you are!**


	11. SNAP One Short Day to Defying Gravity

**A/N- Vacation is a beautiful thing don't you say? It's too bad I'm not on one...**

One Short Day

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter Eleven?

Elphaba- If the ride back is anything like that Glinda, you are in a heap of trouble!

Chorus- One short day in the emerald city...

Glinda- Elphie, what was that?

Elphaba- Don't call me Elphie.

Glinda- Loud and clear Elphie. Now where was that noise coming from?

Chorus- One short day in the Emerald City...

Elphaba- Oh it looks like it's coming from those speakers. (Points)

Glinda- What speakers?

Elphaba- There's one on every lamppost don't you see them?

Chorus- Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Elphaba- Wow, long note.

Glinda- Oh, I see them now!

Guardian of the Gates- NONE SHALL PASS!

Elphaba- Oh really?

Guardian of the Gates- Actually, no, not really, you can go right through. As long as you wear these stylish emerald lensed goggles brought to you by _It's All Grand Boutique!_

Glinda- Stylish? They don't look like it...

Guardian of the Gates- Oh I assure you they are! Everyone is wearing them! And I do mean _everyone_!

Glinda- I don't know what _assure_ means, but I got the, "Everyone's wearing them!" Part of the deal!

(She grabs the pair of goggles and puts them on excitedly with a squeal. While looking around at the "_greenified" _new world her wide eyes come to rest on Elphaba) WOAH! Elphie, you're gre-

Elphaba- I KNOW, I know! (Grabs a pair of goggles for herself, and studies them momentarily.) Ummm why _are _the lenses tinted green?

Guardian of the Gates- The greener the better!

Elphaba- I could learn to like that motto...Do these lenses come in prescriptions?

Guardian of the Gates- Why of course they do! What prescription do you need?

Elphaba- Well I'm 20/180.

Guardian of the Gates- Well let's we have-20/80? WHAT? Are you _blind?_

Elphaba- Actually, no. 20/200 is legally blind.

Guardian of the Gates- (Hands Elphaba the goggles after a long search) Please-

Glinda- Please-

Both- Don't lose them!

Elphaba- (Rolls her eyes and straps the goggles on)

Guardian of the Gates- Now... you... may... ENTER-ER-Er-er-er...

Elphaba- (Teacher Voice) Was the echo really necessary?

Guardian of the Gates- If you had this to play with all day would you be able to leave it alone, untouched, and completely unused...used...sed...ed...d

Glinda- (Grabs microphone) Are you kidding me-e-e-e-e-e this thing is completely

irresistible-able-able...able... Would you like to try Elphie?

Elphaba- (Sarcastically) Hmmm. Tempting really but I think I'll pass. Come on Galinda.

Glinda- IT'S GLINDA G-L-I- uh...I...I...ummm...

Elphaba- N-D-A!

Glinda- NDA? They have basket ball here? Oh Elphie let's go to a game! Please, oh pleeeeease!

Elphaba- Whatever let's just get out of this stand.

Glinda- Does that mean we're blowing this popsicle stand? I have always wanted to use that phrase! I saw it in a cartoon once and... (To Guardian of the Gates) now WE'RE BLOWING THIS POPCICLE STAND! HA!

Guardian of the Gates- Oh that hurts what little feelings I have! You know people pass through here all the time, never caring how I feel or what I think. Most people don't even ask my name!

Authoress- ( nervous laugh) he-he-he Pssst! What's his name?

Glinda- I dunno.

Guardian of the Gates- Most people just call me my job title! "The Guardian of the Gates" This and, "The Guardian of the Gates" that...

Authoress- OH kind of like the Knights of Nee!

Guardian of the Gates- The knights of what?

Authoress- The Knights of Nee! Keepers of the secret words: Nee, pen and nee-wom

Guardian of the Gates- Um...okay but I don't want to be known as Guardian of the Gates any more! I'd rather be known by my name! Sir Babbonfootedshire of the Papporoniiwalkinghausin clan!

Authoress- (mumbles to herself) I guess I'll change him to Man Who Until Recently Was Known as Guardian of the Gates...

Man Who Until Recently Was Known as Guardian of the Gates- Why I've had this job since the very first people of the Papporoniiwalkinghausin Clan traveled to the Emerald City...

Glinda- Elphie, (whispering) we're talking to an old guy!

Elphaba- I know, Glinda, I know. Let's get away while he's monologuing!

[A few minutes later]

Glinda- WE WERE SO STEALTHY! They didn't even catch us! We were like...like NINJAS!

Elphaba- Please don't compare me to a ninja, it might hurt what little of a reputation I have

Glinda- Strange compulsion to sing!

Elphaba- What?

[Choir violently pops up]

Glinda and Elphaba- Ah!

Choir- One short day in the emerald city!

Glinda- Oh I have always wanted to see the City of Emeralds!

Elphaba- It's Emerald City.

Glinda- No, City of Emeralds

Elphaba- Emerald City or I snap your goggles!

Choir- One short day in the Emerald ...

Glinda- I don't feel like singing!

Elphaba- Me either...(singing) There are buildings tall as Quox wood trees.

Glinda- (Confused) Dress Salons!

Elphaba- Libraries!

Glinda- Palaces!

Elphaba- Museums! HOLD IT! I thought you didn't want to sing!

Glinda- I didn't! I don't!

Elphaba- Why did you then?

Glinda- Well- I just- I ummmmm... YOU SANG FIRST!

Elphaba- Well I _had _to.

Glinda- What? Me too! I had this...uhh

Elphaba- Strange compulsion to sing? Like you _had_ to?

Choir- Oh my Oz! Us too!

Glinda- Well what could it be?

[They all turn towards the Authoress. Who looks up from her spiral to find a crowd staring at her. Her Eyes widen and she scribbles something in her note book. Suddenly everyone's goggles snap.]

Authoress- FEAR MY POWER!

Glinda- I hope I don't get a black-

Audience Member- EYE!

Authoress- Oh yes, that reminds me! I have gotten some requests on removing a cast member so...

[It goes dark as various colors of follow lights flash around the set as the Authoress announces] Welcome to Barbarian Idol! The show where you, the audience, barbarically votes cast members off the stage! [pause] Alright everyone line up! (waits a moment as everyone lines up) Now, today the cast member going home is...[pause]

Glinda-(Bites nails)

Fiyero- (Widens Eyes)

Authoress- ELPHABA THROPP!

Elphaba- Okay, that works for me. I have a history exam to study for anyway. So this kind of actually works out for me.

Authoress- I was just kidding, get back in line.[Pause] And the next one to be voted off is...[Pause] (Gets hit in head with a balloon) Excuse me?

Member of the Audience- GET ON WITH IT!

Audience- I didn't even know it was possible to get hit in the head with a balloon from at least ten feet from the thrower. Gosh this audience is just so...

Elphaba- Barbaric?

Authoress- Yeah...Anyway going home next is Audience Member.

Fiyero- Uh...he's not really cast...

Elphaba- Yeah, _Audience _Member.

[Both Elphaba and Fiyero's Goggles snap. All of the unnecessary cast members to that moment leave. Including Fiyero.]

Fiyeraba fans and Flinda fan- NOOOOO!

Authoress- Stop that! You're going to spoil him! He's already on the verge of spoilage! (to Fiyero) You have what? Four castles?

Fiyero- I've built my kingdom up from nothing. When I started, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up.

Authoress- That didn't answer my question.

Glinda- Oh, he's so dreamy! OH MY SWEET OZ! Look at that store!

Elphaba- Something is seriously wrong with you Glinda.

Glinda- I have A.D.O.S does that count?

Fiyero- A.D.O.S?

Glinda- Attention Deficit- OOH SHINY!

Authoress- * Snort *...hehehehe

Elphaba- Oh you shut up!

Fiyero- Me shut up?

Elphaba- No, not you-

Fiyero- No one has ever told me, 'shut up' before! I can't believe- What is that? ( Points to swervy headed creatures of Wiz-o-mania.)

Authoress- Thank goodness for A.D.S!

Glinda- A.D.S?

Authoress- Attention Deficit SQUIRREL!

Elphaba- (Teacher Voice) Fiyero, those are flat heads. Typically they are not friendly but,-

Authoress- NO SCIENCE LESSONS!

Fiyeraba Fans- Aww...

Flinda fan- HA THERE IS HOPE YET!

Authoress- You are late for Wiz-o-mania.

[They run to Wiz-o-mania]

He who needs a raise- The Wizard will see you now.

Glinda- Hmm...I was expecting a little more out of Wiz-o-mania. At least a little more than " The Wizard will see you now." considering it was so expensive.

Elphaba- There was more...we missed it! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

Glinda- Why couldn't you stay calm for once instead of flying off the handle? I hope your happy!

He who needs a raise- The Wizard will see you NOW! GO!

[Blackout]

Fiyero- Daaarrk!

Authoress- Oh, shut up!

[the room lights up with the giant head]

Giant Head- I AM ...Dang these electronics why doesn't any thing work? WHO IS IT!

Elphaba- It's Elphaba Thropp your terribleness!

Wizard- Oh is that you Elphaba?

Elphaba- Ummm yes.

Wizard- Why I can't wait to abuse your power- I mean get to know you better.

Elphaba- You and Nessa have the same problem...

Wizard- What gray hair?

Elphaba-Ummmm no.

Wizard- Budget cuts? You know there's a guy out there who needs a raise.

Elphaba- She's my _younger_ sister. She doesn't have budget problems yet. Besides she'll be an unelected official even though _I_ have the birth right!

Wizard- Oh unelected officialism is a difficult career choice. I thought you might want to do something more useful or great in this wonderful country.

Glinda- ME TOO!

Wizard- We'll call it a deal, I give you all you ever wanted, and you give me...a little something special.

Elphaba- Wait do we get dental?

Wizard- Of course.

Elphaba- Okay, so what's the catch.

Wizard- Oh, a simple levitating spell. If thou failst so doth thou career, if not I offer thee anything thou wishes.

Elphaba- Anything?

Wizard- Anything.

Glinda- Sounds good to me!

Elphaba- I don't know, I never thought well of people who speak in old English... but he is the Wonderful Wizard of- AH!

Morrible- It's good to see me isn't it?

Elphaba, Glinda, and The Wizard- AHHH NOOOO! ( shake their heads violently)

Morrible- No need to respond, that was rhetorical.

Glinda- Hmmm I like that! I might be able to use that in the future.

Wizard-(whispering to Morrible) Did you find a spellbook?

Morrible- I think so, I just pulled the first one I found off the shelf.

Wizard- Elphaba? ELPHABA! Over here sweet heart. This here is my monkey servant Chistery. Every morning he looks up longingly at the balloons and-

Morrible- Birds. Birds not balloons.

Wizard- Oh yes he watches the birds and...You know what never mind! Just perform your spell!

Elphaba-srtyujmpoiuytryuiodfg9hnm

Glinda- Was that a number?

Morrible- I don't know but it seems to be working.

Glinda- Ooooh...

[The monkey grows wings]

Glinda- Oh is he hurting?

Elphaba- No, he's just screaming in pain because it's fun! I HURT AN ANIMAL!

Glinda- Elphie wait!

Elphaba- THAT'S IT!

Glinda- Yeah! She's blowing this popsicle stand.

Morrible- THAT'S IT! GET THE WITCH!

Guards- Which witch? Morrible- The wicked one!

Guards- Oh, okay...which one is wicked?

Morrible- THE GREEN ONE!

Guards- Oh...okay. Wait! Mr. Morrible?

Morrible- MS! MS! MORRIBLE!

Guards- Oh well, I don't think the green tinted goggles help in finding the green one.

Morrible- JUST GET THE ONE IN BLACK!

Guards- Oh...okay. Now I know why the good guys in movies get such a big head start...

Another Guard- We better hurry up or we'll miss the beginning of the song.

[Both walk away singing Defying Gravity]

Authoress- NO! STOP SPOILING IT!

[Snaps their goggles]

[A rattling comes from outside the door that everyone knows is coming from the Audience Member. Unfortunately, no one cares about him.]

Glinda- Elphie, you can't do this!

Elphaba- Oh yeah? That's what you think!

Sally- That's your new philosophy?

Elphaba- NO! Stand by for_ my new _philosophy. Something has changed within me...Something is not the same.

Glinda- We all go through it honey. It's called puberty.

Elphaba- NO! That's not what I- Oh my oz! Now it's going to be like a subliminal message!

Guard 1- Get the bowl of oat meal!

Guard 2- Why? How does that help?

Guard 1- I don't know. I'm hungry!

Elphaba- I'm Defying Gravity! I think I'll try defying puberty!

Glinda- hehheheh

Elphaba- SEE SEEE? I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU BUT NOOOOO...

Glinda- What are you going to use to 'Defy Gravity?'

Authoress- Should that be capitalized? Defy Gravity, defy gravity...hmmm

Elphaba- Well, I could ride the monkeys. Nah.

Glinda- There's a rake over there! OH, oh, what about a magic carpet?

Elphaba- Or I could try something I read in a book...

Glinda- That always seems to work out well for you.

Elphaba- Accio Firebolt!

Glinda- Woooooaaaaah!

Elphaba- Hey it worked look a broom!

Harry Potter- Has any one seen a broom?

Elphaba- Quick, Glinda, hide it!

[the broom disappears into Glinda's purse]

Elphaba- Nope, sorry kid.

[ Harry leaves much to the dismay of the Harry Potter fans]

Elphaba- Okay Glinda, I'll have my broom back if you please.

Glinda- I can't let you go!

Elphaba- You're asking for a goggle snap.

Glinda- (Pulls the broom out of her purse) Here.

Elphaba- I can't believe you pulled this out of that tiny little bag! I need something like that...Goodbye my friend.

Glinda- WAIT, take this cape I just tailored in a split second!

Elphaba- Wow, I didn't know you sewed! [The Guards come in and Elphaba runs away.]

Glinda- Wait, why are you hauling me away?

Guards- We were told to get the green witch.

Glinda- I'm not green!

Guards- Oh, yeah? That's what they all say! SHE'S A WITCH BURN HER!

Elphaba- WAIT, it's not her you want it's me! It's meeeeeeee!

Glinda- Gee wiz! That's high!

Guards- Oh, that green witch.

Elphaba- SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY!

Glinda- Oh yeah really specific! I can see that. "Hey Elphie, where's the bathroom?" "THE WESTERN SKY!" Really?

Elphaba- EVERYONE DESERVES A CHANCE TO FLY!

Glinda- My turn! Bubbles away!

Elphaba- GLINDA CUT IT OUT! BRING ME DOWN!

Stage hands- She says she wants down.

Other stage hand- NO it's part of the show!

Stage hands- Alright then...

Glinda- I HOPE YOUR HAPPY!

Guards- Look at her! _She's_ wicked!

Morrible- GET HER!

Guards- So, we've got to BRING HER DOWN!

Stage hands- No, we better bring her down.

Elphaba- WOAH! (mumbling to herself) why are they bringing me down?

[Curtain closes] [A row of small children walk out on stage singing]

Small Children- Can you believe it? It's time for intermission! Can you believe it? Sit back, relax! You're all invited to Glinda's lemonade stand let's all have some snacks!

Authoress- You heard 'em guys take a quick break and we'll be right back with more of your favorite characters!

**End of Act One**

_**Sorry, I'm having ending troubles I actually added about five pages more! Thanks to ElphabaROCKS, Froggyfernycabbagexx and PocketSevens!**_

**_REVIEWS ARE FUNNY!_**


	12. Thank Goodness!

**(A/N OH YES I am back in business! Took a quick intermission, but I am back for more!)**

**Disclaimer-FOR ALL OF ACT II: NOT ME! * Cries * Okay It's just not me!**

Just Anther One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter (I am starting to lose track...)

ACT II Chapter I

Thank Goodness!

Authoress- Did Everyone have a wonderful intermission?

Everyone- NO!

Everybody else- YES!

Authoress-Um...okay!

Galinda- Fiyero! Phhhst FIYERO!

Fiyero- What? What do you want from me?

Glinda- IT'S GLINDA THE GA IS SILENT! Do you want to get married?

Fiyero- What? That's kind of sud-

Glinda (the Ga is silent)- SO glad you agree! HEY EVERYBODY we're getting married! (Fails at being romantically sweet.)

Fiyero- Just wait a clock tick! I think-

Glinda- That we're missing something? Yes...what is it...

Fiyero- Elph-

Glinda- abet soup! You're right! What we need is some good Alphabet soup!

Sam- Boil 'em mash 'em sick 'em in a stew.

Authoress- What?

Sam- PO-TA-TOES!

Boq- What's taters eh?

Authoress- OH NO you don't! It's a vicious cycle.

Glinda- I have the soup! (Drops pot on table) Now nothing could possibly go wro-

Morrible- The bathroom doesn't work.

Fiyero- Dang I really had to go too...

Authoress- Um. Thank you for sharing.

Glinda- No matter! This is but a minor setback! I'm sure we will all get along fine without the use of a restroom. _Right?_

Fiyero- Weeeell...

Glinda-_ Right?_

Everybody else- Yes...

Fiyero- But how did the toilet get plugged?

(Everyone stares at Morrible)

Morrible- This... is a good time for ...me to leave.

(Morrible leaves)

Chorus & Glinda- THANK GOODNESS!

Fiyero- Finally a day that's totally Head Shiztress free!

Chorus- We couldn't be happier Thank Goodness!

Fiyero- I really have to use the potty!

Glinda- DEAL WITH IT!

Fiyero- But-but-but I'm in pain!

Glinda- Suck it up!

Authoress- (Evil laugh) Now Fiyero, you wouldn't want me to talk about _Niagara Falls _or leaky pipes then would you?

Fiyero- No!

Glinda- Lemonade?

Fiyero- AH!

Boq- Rushing water? Oh some one get a two glasses of water!

Nessa- Here!

Glinda- Was she invited?

Chorus- (singing) No!

Boq- (Grabs glasses) Thank you! (Pours water from one glass to another in front of Fiyero) Drip. Drip. Drip.

Fiyero- AAAAAAAAAAH LALALALALA!

Glinda- YOU'L BE POPULER!

Nessa- Lar.

Glinda- LAR!

Fiyero fan (who isn't though)- I think the bathroom is fixed buddy!

Fiyero, Chorus, and Orchestra- THANK GOODNESS!

(Fiyero runs off stage to the bathroom)

Authoress- Good job! (gives Boq a nerd shake)

Fiyero- What in Oz was that?

Authoress- Oh it's a nerd shake. Completed by grasping forearms and sliding hands down toward your own body as if you were stretching your arm. Then you make a goofy face. All this is done in a completely nerdy fashion. I hope you understood those instructions.

Fiyero- Sliding the hand back and...um...a little hard to follow.

Authoress- It's okay you're not really a nerd anyway.

Boq- HEY!

Authoress- You're more of the..um...oh how might you say-\

Glinda- Hunky Winky Prince with a scandalatious reputation?

Authoress- Uh...sure!

Glinda- FIYERO! Honey, can you get me a drink?

Fiyero- (sighs) Sure...

(Fiyero plummets off the stage)

Boq- Um...Where did Fiyero go?

Glinda- He's gone to fetch me a refreshment!

Nessa- He's so thoughtful that way! (glares at Boq)

Boq- HEY, I'm pretty good to you!

Nessa- Sometimes!

Boq- NO, pretty much all the time!

Nessa- You are not!

Glinda- (Coughs) Yes, he is...(Coughs again)

Nessa- WHAT WAS THAT BLONDIE?

Glinda- Oh...nothing.

Nessa- Shut it.

Glinda- HEY! I'm engaged!

Nessa- OH YEAH? 

Glinda- YEAH!

Nessa- BRING IT ON!

Boq- Wait! I thought the cat fight was later in the play over Nessa's death!

Glinda- Oh yeah!

Nessa- MY WHAT?

(Awkward Silence)

Boq- Hey where did the Authoress go?

(Authoress comes in completely steamed with a booklet of paper in her hand.)

Boq- Um...What's wrong.

Authoress- THIS QUESTION! (Points menacingly to problem #8) Our test had an clip from the Wizard of Oz! And at first I was ecstatic, NOT ANY MORE! They asked "What do the Ruby Slippers symbolize? a) Kindness b) Power c) Love d) Death." I picked love. So did all of the Wicked Fan girls in the ENTIRE School! Now to us maybe because the ruby slippers clearly symbolizes the love Frexpar has for Nessa-

Nessa- Hhehehe

Authoress- But not for Elphaba. And so we were blind to all of the other answers. NOT TO MENTION that Dorothy Gale felt very loved in Oz and left the slippers behind. THE ANSWER was a) Kindness. WE WERE OUTRAGED!

Boq- Wow...

Authoress- I STILL AM! (Rips test in half)

Elphaba- (Offstage) I got that one right.

Authoress- OH YEAH? WHO CARES!

Boq- You.

Authoress- True.

Authoress' Teacher- Now, this test was only made by mere mortals.

Authoress- I KNOW! But, they should have Wicked Education!

Authoress' Teacher- That last part was a dependent clause fix it. Also, why would "Wicked Education" serve us any good?

Authoress- To stop discrimination against Animals?

Nessa- I really don't see the point in-

Authoress- Nessa, chill.

Glinda- OH MY OZ! (Fans face) Speaking of chill, have you all seen my silly bands?

All- Ummmm...

Glinda- Look, this one is a penguin! (Pulls up sleve)

Authoress- HOLY MOLEY! HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?

Glinda- Two hundred?

Boq- (sigh)

Nessa- You can count that high?

Glinda- How many do you have?

Boq- Ten.

Nessa- Eight.

Fiyero- Mumblemuble (stick up arm while still laying on face off stage. Reveals about fifty silly bands)

Elphaba- Three! (loud SNAP!) Two!

Authoress- None.

Boq- NERD!

Glinda- SHUN THE NERD!

Authoress- Oh...That hurts what little feelings I have.

Elphaba- Here (Hands Authoress a silly band)

All- THANK GOODNESS!

Authoress- Oh look there's goodness but there's no thanks.

Glinda- What?

Authoress- OH it's a really riddle that my Algebra teacher gave me. There's bees but no hive. There is no George but there is a Harrison. There is Cattle but no cows. Floor, no tile. Harry, and Ginny but no Ron or Hermione.

Glinda- OH! OH! OH! IS THERE A GLINDA?

Authoress- Um...no. There's no Wizard, Elphaba, Fiyero

All- GASP!

Authoress- Boq, or Avaric. There is a Nessa, Phanee and Morrible.

Elphaba- Solved it!

Authoress- Well what is it?

Elphaba- In each-

Authoress- NO! Come and whisper it in my ear.

Elphaba- shishohso (CENSORED)

Authoress- Yup.

Boq- This is going to drive me crazy!

Authoress- Took me weeks to solve it, because I was over analyzing it.

Nessa- Yet, Elphaba got it in less than two minutes!

Chorus- PLEASE SOMEBODY GO AND MELT HER!

Authoress- Water will melt her? You people are so empty headed! Don't you know how the play ends?

Nessa- How does it end? Do I get Boq?

Authoress- Well um...I can't tell you that.

Boq- LET'S DANCE!

(All Dance for hours even though Fiyero is not there.)

Glinda- The best Engagement ball ev-er!

**A/N I promise I will update more I just had to take a break for a while. I think I'm going to write a one shot too. So...Please review this one! You all have been so Deliciously Amazing!**

**Reviews are still Hilarious.**

**Thank You! *bows ***


	13. The Girl in the Mirror

**A/N-Sorry its been so long you guys I had a really hard time finding inspiration for this chapter! **

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter Two

Act Two

The Wicked Witch of the East.

Nessa- Look at this stuff isn't it neat? Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? NO I WANT MORE!

Elphaba- Is that you Nessa? Is that you I hear?

Boq- (regrettably) Yes it is...

Nessa- WOAH ELPHABA DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!

Elphaba- Um Nessa?

Nessa- So stealthy I simply cannot believe-

Elphaba- Nessa?

Nessa- Simply Ninja! Never have I seen-

Elphaba- NESSA!

Nessa- Sheeesh you don't have to yell! What do you want?

Elphaba- Where are you?

Nessa- Right here.

Elphaba- Oh yeah, that's helpful! (mockingly) 'Right here.' 'Right here' is Where?

Nessa- Well, I'm front and center, as always!

Elphaba- (Runs forward to hug Elphaba) Hug!

Boq- This is awkward, Elphaba please get off me.

Elphaba- (squints) You're not Nessa?

Boq- No.

Elphaba- Oh, oops. (straightens clothes) Sorry. (Glances around) There you are! (slams into something solid) Ow!

Nessa- Uh no, that's the mirror Elphaba.

Elphaba- But it is you isn't it you?

Nessa- Yes but it's the mirror me.

Elphaba- Same difference.

Nessa- NO IT'S NOT THE SAME! I AM A PERSON AND I HAVE FEELINGS YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR ME!

Elphaba- Oh okay so I suppose that I just push you around everyday to torment you. And I've never had a birthday party because-

Nessa- NO NOTHING TO DO ABOUT ME WALKING

Elphaba- You can't walk

Nessa- I KNOW!

Elphaba- Okay...this isn't really news to either of us.

Nessa- I THOUGHT ALL THAT HOCUS POCUS WOULD DO SOMETHING TO PROFIET ME!

Boq- I think this is a good time for me to leave.

Elphaba- Nessa, there isn't a spell for everything!

Nessa- BUT I WANT IT!

Elphaba- Oh wait I just remembered there is a spell in my book that enables people to walk!

Nessa- YAY!

Elphaba- Let me see...(pulls out Grimmerie) Um...( Holds up the Grimmerie) What page number am I on?

Nessa- Elphaba?

Elphaba- Yes?

Nessa- That's the mirror again, turn around. Wait a second, can you even see?

Elphaba- Well I can see general color splotches...

Nessa- What happened to your glasses?

Elphaba- I well...I sort of lost them?

All- (Gasps) NO WAY!

Elphaba- Yes way...

All- OH NO! THAT IS NOT GOOD!

Elphaba- I know, I know!

[long pause]

Elphaba- Well, let's get to work! (Begins chanting random words from the Grimmerie) Auteatautum elekanameramenta OhI'm hungryatuetuei whenwasthelasttimeIate? Latuteuautoum elakaramen sohungry nomanomomnom

Nessa- MY SHOES THEY FEEL LIKE THEIR ON FIRE!

Elphaba- Wait was I reading the recipe for Ramen noodles? (holds up wrapper) I'll just keep this to myself...

Nessa- THEY- OW OW! (leaps out of chair) OW OW OW! Hey, wait a second, I'm walking! (Inspirational music) Yaaay

Elphaba- Finally from this wrapper something good!

Authoress- How can we be sure that the Grimmerie isn't some kind of recipe book?

Elphaba- Shhh that's our little secret. Nessa you can walk! Give me a hug!(Slams into mirror)

Nessa- Elphaba that's the girl in the mirror...I must tell Boq! BOQ come quickly! (claps twice)

Brandon- Yes ma'am?

Nessa- Boq, look I'm- HEY! Who are you?

Brandon- Uhhhh...(pause) Brandon?

Elphaba- Isn't he the guy who-

Brandon- AAAAAAH (Is dragged off)

Nessa- Awkward...(claps only once) BOQ! Come quickly!

Boq- (Long sigh) Yes Madame?

Nessa- Do you notice anything different?

Boq- Lack of cruel and unusual smile on your face?

Nessa- No.

Boq- Your not hanging all over me?

Nessa- No!

Boq- You have some remotely humble air to how you are acting at this particular moment?

Nessa- NO! YOU KNOW WHAT? (Takes a deep breath and counts to ten) I am walking and standing.

Boq- Joy...OH MY OZ IT'S ELPHABA!

Elphaba- Thanks Boq, thanks.

Boq- YOU WICKED WITCH! Wait you did this for her?

Elphaba- Yesandpleasedon'thurtme!

Boq- No this is...WONDERFUL!

Elphaba- He called me wonderful.

Nessa- Did he say wonderful?

Boq- If you insist! Nessa, now I can leave you for Glinda!

Nessa- She-she's engaged though!

Elphaba- To who?

Nessa- Fiyero.

Elphaba- Oh no...(Sits down and throws a tantrum)

Boq- Well, see ya!

Nessa- NO (Sits down and throws a tantrum) No, you know what? (grabs Grimmerie) Ata ratta tatta (land of a thousand dances style) na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na naaaa GO BOQ!

Boq- My heart it feels like it's shrinking!

Elphaba- (recovers from tantrum) How do you know what that feels like?

Boq- It's a figure of speech.

Nessa- I killed Sirius Black!

Authoress- (sits down and throws a tantrum)

Nessa- Sorry wrong script...ELPHABA THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Elphaba- What? Did I miss something?

Nessa- FIX HIM NOW! (Shoves at Elphaba)

Elphaba- Ow! Okay, okay! (Wheels Boq away and goes to work)

Nessa- Save him please just save him!

Elphaba- OKAY! I GOT THE PICTURE!

Nessa- Don't leave me 'til my sorry life has ceased.

Elphaba- YOUR SORRY LIFE? ARE YOU LOOKING TO GET LECTURED?

Nessa- Alone and loveless here.

Elphaba- ARE YOU IGNORING ME NESSAROSE THROPP?

Nessa- With just the girl in the mirror, just her and me the Wicked Witch of the East, we deserve each other.

Elphaba- You are never going to let go of that are you? The mirror thing? Wow...well here's the best I could do with your boyfriend.

Boq- (speaking in sleep) not boyfriend...not..boyfrie-(wakes up)

Nessa- Oh Boq you're okay!

Boq- Eh! You again? I am really tired of waking up to you and- Am I squeaking? (Moves jaw up and down) I thought that your joints squeaking was definitely a bad sign but I'm not hurting. (Rubs hand on jaw only to hear the horrific sound of metal scraping on metal) What the...(looks at hand) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM- I AM- I AM

Nessa- Gorgeous?

Boq- METAL! (sits down and throws a tantrum)

Elphaba- I think I'll leave now (slams into wall) Maybe t he door is the best choice...now where is it?

Nessa- BOQ NO IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS ELPHABA! IT WAS ELPHABAAAA!

(Blackout)

Fiyero- DAAARK!

Elphaba- Fiyero my sweet!

Authoress- No! Stop it! Bad Cast! BAD Cast!

(Curtain)


	14. Toast, it is Wonderful

**A/N- I HATE WRITERS BLOCK! (FYI)**

Just Another One of those Wicked Parodies

Part Two

Chpater III

Wonderful, Simply Wonderful

Music- Da da da da...

Boq- 1...2...3...1-

Dance Partner- Boq what are you doing?

Boq- SHHH I'm counting! 1...2...You know dancing is hard when you're made of tin.

Dancing Partner- Um...yeah this is definitely awkward.

Glinda- HEY this didn't turn out so bad (looks around).

Boq- Dear Glinda what a splendid party!

Glinda- The prelude to a bright new year!

Boq- What a night! I'm impressed!

Authoress- You would be...

Glinda- The Wizard did his best!

Boq- (Cheers) TO U-

Authoress- This sounds awfully familiar...HEY WRONG MUSICAL! Cut that out! Stop that! Stop it right now! We are NOT in Phantom of the Opera! THIS IS WICKED!

[Dead Silence]

Authoress- Ah now see how nice and quiet it is and veeery relaxi-

Chorus- (Drum beats) MASCARADE! Paper faces on display! Mascarade! Hide your face so-

Authoress- NO! BACK! BACK IN YOUR BOX!

[Music dies]

Authoress- Very nice. Please go on with your business.

Boq- Glinda do you remember me?

Glinda- Yes! Of course I do! (pause) Wait who are you?

Boq- Why I am Boq!

Glinda- What is a _Boq?_

Boq- Me.

Glinda- IS THAT YOU BIQ?

Boq- (sighs) Yes...

Glinda- Oh that's Wonderful!

Authoress- OH MY GOSH! I FORGOT THAT THE BALL DOESN'T LAST THAT LONG! SOMEBODY DROP THE NEXT SET!

[Set Drops]

Audience Member- OW!

Authoress- What the...HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

Audience Member- I HID IN THE SETS!

Fiyero- Again with the yelling...

Audience Member- (Whispering) Sorry...

Authoress- Guys, (looks at watch) We have to get a move on right now! Let's move move move! Come on people. NO! Elphaba you stay on stage! You are in the next scene!

Elphaba- Oh riiiight. Sorry I can't read my script.

Authoress- (scoffs) Whatever! CUE MUSIC!

Music- Da da da-

Authoress- WAIT! Read the wrong thing sorry. Go ahead Elphaba please continue.

Elphaba- Sheesh yells at me and then makes a mistake and-

Authoress- Just go!

Elphaba- Fine. (Pause) (clears throat) (whistles) Here monkeys monkeys monkeys! Come here!

Wizard- Elphaba?

Elphaba- OH IT'S YOU! (squints) Dangit! Wrong monkey! (pushes wizard aside) monkey...monkey monkey? (Whistles) Come here!

Wizard- Elphaba?

Elphaba- I'm setting your fellow monkeys free so don't try and stop me! (pauses) Are you a good Monkey or a bad Monkey?

Wizard- Well, I'm not a Monkey at all! Monkeys are loud and obnoxious.

Elphaba- Exactly, so are you a good monkey-

Wizard- HEY! I'M NOT OBNOZXIOUS!

Elphaba- Okay Mr. _I've eaten too much peanut butter _voice

Wizard- I do not sound like I've eaten too much peanut butter!

Elphaba- hm...indeed. Well whatever you do foul sandwich eating Monkey I am setting your friends free and YOU CAN'T PULL ME DOWN!

Wizard- Can't I make you understand you're missing a wonderful life of

Rodger Davis- GLORY!

Wizard- Yeah, ditto, what he said.

Elphaba- So you open this gate by- Really?

Wizard- Yes it can be...Wonderful! It's not even hard to be wonderful!

Elphaba- You're joking.

Wizard- No, I'm not. I never asked for this or planned it in advance, I was merely blown here by the winds of...chance.

Fiyero- Chance? Like those little cards in the middle of the Monopoly board that make good things happen?

Elphaba- Sure.

Wizard- I knew who I was one of your dime a dozen mediocrities...

Elphaba- Oh no you still are a dime a dozen mediocrities, only you just have the fancy mechanics to hide that now.

Fiyero- Yeah people who are wonderful don't talk like they've just eaten a peanut butter sandwich.

Wizard- I DO NOT SOUND LIKE THAT!

Charlie Brown- Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely...I guess they're right. And when you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Rodger Davis- MARK!

Charlie Brown- Uh...no I'm Charlie.

Rodger Davis- But you sound like Mark Cohen!

Authoress- That's because he's Anthony Rapp!

Charlie Brown- I'm Charlie Brown!

Rodger Davis- I'm not Rapp are you Rapp

Fiyero-No I'm not Rapp.

Wizard- I'm certainly not Rapp.

Elphaba- Yeah you're not cool enough to be Rapp.

Wizard- What are you talking about I'm Wonderful!

Authoress- Not that wonderful!

Fiyero- Yeah I agree he's definitely not Rapp.

Elphaba- No.

Rodger Davis- No

Charlie Brown- But I'm not Rapp!

Authoress- TRAITOR!

Wizard- A man's called a traitor, or a liberator. A rich man's a thief or philanthropist. Is one a crusader or ruthless invader?

Fiyero- I'd say you're more on the ruthless-

Elphaba- SH I'm listening!

Fiyero- Oh come on Elphaba you're not buying this lode of-

Elphaba- SH!

Fiyero- Oh Brother...

Wizard- So we act as though they don't exist. They call me wonderful! So I am Wonderful! In fact it's so much who I am it's part of my name! And with my help you can be the same.

Elphaba- I can?

Wizard- YES! With a small price of $99.99 plus shipping and handling!

Elphaba- I could be wonderful!

Wizard- Trust me, it's fun!

Fiyero- Trust you? Why should she trust you?

Both (Elphaba and the Wizard that is) – Wonderful it would be wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful!

Fiyero- I can't believe this!

Wizard- 1...2...and haha

Authoress- 5! Sorry I couldn't resist...

Elphaba- Well, I'll accept your proposition

Fiyero- WHAT?

Wizard- Wonderful!

Elphaba- On one condition.

Fiyero- Oh playing hard to get no?

Authoress- Ew...

Elphaba- Set your fellow monkeys free.

Wizard- I am not a monkey!

Elphaba- come on now...

Wizard- Fine. Pull the lever!

Authoress- (pulls lever)

[ it starts raining Goats but the monkeys are still set free)

Elphaba- AH IT'S RAINING GOATS!

Wizard- WRONG LEVER!

Dillamond- Baaaaaaah!

Elphaba- Is baaaaaaah a word?

Fiyero- I am not sure.

Authoress- I don't think so, let's see though...(pulls out dictionary) b-a-...nope it's not a word.

Elphaba- NOOOO! Doctor Dillamond. Fiyero? FIYERO!

Fiyero- What, what do you want?

Elphaba- I don't know but toast would be nice...

Fiyero- Alright...I'm on it.

Elphaba- Doctor Dillamond can you talk? (Shakes Dillamond.) TALK!

Authoress- Uh Elphaba that's the Wizard.

Elphaba- Oh...(walks over to Dillamond) TALK!

Dillamond- Baaaaaaah!

Elphaba- What do you think baaaaaaah means?

Authoress- I'm not sure, but I have my goat to English dictionary with me! I think it means "I can't"

Elphaba- Can't what?

Authoress- Can't talk. Gee Mrs. Magoo pay attention!

Elphaba- So wait, Dillamond can't talk?

Authoress- Uh yeah...

Elphaba- (Turns to wizard) YOU TRAITOR!

Wizard- A man's called a traitor or a liberator.

Elphaba- THAT'S IT! I AM LEAVING! Goodbye Dillamond. I will see you later. AND YOU CAN'T PULL ME DOWN!

[Elphaba flies off]

Fiyero- HEY WHAT ABOUT YOUR TOAST?

**A/N- I love toast I really do! And I made a mistake earlier, Elphaba's eye vision should be 20/180 not 180/20. ElphabaROCKS pointed that out to me, so I appologize.**


	15. Anticipation of the Author

**Just Another One of those Boring Author's Notes**

**A/N- I just had something to say really fast...THE NEXT CHAPTER IS THE CAT FIGHT SCENE! I am so excited! This is my favorite scene (well one of about 20 ) in Wicked, but I have been looking forward to writing this one for quite some time... Thank you**

**Post Author's Note- (Ha that spells pan...) Okay ummmmm Oh yeah! I only have one review (thank you Demlurina!) on The Marble Staircase, my epic one shot glory so pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease check that out. You will like it I promise!**

Elphaba- That was terribly unprofessional.

Authoress- OH shut up! Do you even know where your boyfriend is?

Elphaba- OH NO!


	16. Where's Fiyero Again? I'm not that girl

**A/N- I lied about the cat fight scene coming next. Sorry I forgot about this chapter (short one) and As Long As You're Mine... He he he sorry...**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter IV

Act II

I Am Not That Girl Reprise

Glinda- Don't wish!

Authoress- Oh don't start! This song is too short!

Glinda- Wishing only moons the heart.

Elphaba- Ha! Don't you mean ruins?

Glinda- No, I think it's moons

Authoress- Moons? Like um...you know mooning someone? With the...lack of pants method? Is that what you mean?

Glinda- Um...yes?

Elphaba- You don't even know! (cackles loudly)

Glinda- OH Yeah?

Elphaba- Yeah! (cackles)

Authoress- You laugh too much.

Authoress' Friends- You're one to talk...

Authoress- Oh you be quiet.

Elphaba- You just don't like me because Fiyero is in looooove with meeeeee!

Glinda- He is noooooot!

Elphaba- Is tooo!

Glinda- Is not!

Elphaba- He is too! Nah nah nah nah nah!

Glinda- Do you want a piece of me Greenie?

Elphaba- Greenie? Is that the best you could think of Bubble Brain?

Glinda- Yes! Hawk Nose!

Elphaba- Sudsy Cerebellum!

Glinda- Science Geek!

Elphaba- (Gasp) I AM NOT!

Authoress- Yeah Glinda it's apparent that she's a history nerd.

Elphaba- Thank you! I think?

Glinda- Boyfriend thief! (tugs at Elphaba's sleeve)

Elphaba- (pulls Glinda's hair)

Glinda- (skips strait to the slapping)

Elphaba- (cackles) Feel better no-

Authoress- WAIT YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THAT CHAPTER! You (points to Elphaba) and Fiyero have to do As Long as Your Mine first!

Elphaba- Where is Fiyero?

Glinda- Um... I don't know... last time I saw the poor fellow, he was face down off the stage. Just lying there on the stone cold floor.

Elphaba- Hmm I think...OH NO! I LEFT HIM IN THE LAST SCENE! HE'S WITH THE WIZARD! (Gasps) This can't be good! 

Wizard- (singing offstage) You could be wonderful!

Fiyero- (also offstage) I could be wonderful?

Wizard- Trust me it's fun!

Fiyero- Wonderful, on one condition.

Wizard- Oh no not another one of those...

Fiyero- I was just going to ask for your autograph.

Wizard- Oh sure! (begins writing but accidentally flings pencil into the audience) Oops...

Audience Member- MY EYE!

Authoress- You have got to be kidding me!

Elphaba- Please! How did he get in here?

Authoress- Remember he crawled in on the set?

Elphaba- He did?

Authoress- Yes.

Elphaba- You are so Ninja!

Glinda- I know right?

Audience Member- Ninja huh?

Elphaba & Glinda- Yeah!

Audience Member- That could work... (climbs up on to the stage) Shao! (Disappears into set/fly space)

Authoress- I...can't...believe...that worked.

Elphaba- Well thank you I'm glad my idea was very successful.

Glinda- Hey I helped too!

Elphaba- No, you agreed with me!

Glinda- I thought of the idea!

Elphaba- You're not that smart!

Glinda- Oh yeah well...You're not that girl.

Elphaba- Ha Oh yeah that's what you think!

Glinda- Fiyero is mine, Buster!

Elphaba- Not anymore! You're not that girl!

Glinda- (cries) I'm not that girl!

Boq- I can help Glinda! I can be your Fiyero!

Glinda- (cries harder)

Authoress- (cries) Wait...why am I crying I like Fiyeraba!

Glinda- HEY!

Authoress- Sorry no offense but you two were just too perfect.

Elphaba- Oh and I'm not?

Authoress- Ummm...no?

Elphaba- (scoffs) Well then! You're not that girl either!

Authoress- I KNOW JUST DON'T RUB IT IN!

Glinda and Authoress- (sob incessantly) 

Elphaba- Where is Fiyero again?

Audience- IN THE LAST SCENE!

Boq- Yeah we've been over this many times already!

Fiyero- ELPHABA!

Elphaba- Uh oh- CUE THE LIGHTS!

[Black out]

Authoress- Marco!

Wizard- Polo!

Fiyero- WHERE ARE YOU ELPHABA! I NEEED TO TALK TO YOU NOW!

Glinda- Someone's in trouuuuble!

Elphaba- RUN!

**A/N- Sorry that was so short, but after all this is the shortest song in the musical is it not? Anyway look forward to ASAYM and theeeen the catfight scene. Sorry it took so long.**


	17. As long as your What the?

A/N- ALAYM okay I wrote my first Fiyeraba but that doesn't mean this chapter will be all lovey dovey... I wanted to thank my readers for being so amazing up to this point I really appreciate the reviews!

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Act Two

Chapter V

As Long As Your Mine.

Authoress- Wow Elphaba... Just wow.

Elphaba- I really didn't mean to!

Authoress- You better just ask for forgiveness now. On your knees, now. Go on...

Elphaba- Dear- wait what do I say?

Authoress- Just say your sorry and ask for Fiyero to forgive you.

Elphaba- Alright...(clears throat) Hello? Um-

Authoress- What now?

Elphaba- Who am I talking to?

Authoress- You pick. Kumbrick Witch, The Unnamed God-

Nessa-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Authoress- Um?

Elphaba- It's okay she's an unelected official!

Authoress- Oh.

Elphaba- (Clears Throat) Dear Greater Being of Power...(wrings hands) Please help Fiyero-

Fiyero- ELPHABA!

Elphaba- Oh no...

Authoress- Too late! (ducks for cover)

[Fiyero enters the room covered in mud, with sticks in his hair and his clothes are ripped]

Fiyero- ELPHABA!

Elphaba- Fiyero?

Fiyero- Do you have any idea?

Elphaba- Of what Yero?

Fiyero- I had to trudge through mud, fight those terrible trees that throw apples at you as you pas- Yero?

Elphaba- What?

Fiyero- Yero?

Elphaba- (Blushes) Um...yeah.

Fiyero- Hm...I like it Yero The Hero!

Authoress- That doesn't rhyme idiot.

Elphaba- (Gives authoress a dirty look as she pulls the sticks out of Fiyero's hair.) So...

Fiyero- What's the most swankified place in town?

Authoress- That would be the-

Elphaba-(clears throat) What I was going to say was (ahem) How did you, Fiyero, happen to get so muddy?

Fiyero- I traveled through blinding winds and scorching deserts! Once I even got stuck in quick sand! I negotiated my way out of that one. Then, I followed the yellow brick road, unfortunately I tripped and plunged into this pit of wipers. I'm sorry...I meant vipers. But they found me so attractive that they helped me back out. So I was so tired and hot that I decided to go swimming where the cracken tried to make me his lunch. That didn't work so well with my schedule and I said, "Nu-uh! You go find yourself a diet at Whale Watchers or somethin'!"

Elphaba- Wow... is that all?

Fiyero- Pretty much...OH there were also these trees that randomly threw apples as you walked by them too... that was pretty awkward. "Hi how are y- AH!" They were pretty moody.

Authoress- Wow...

Elphaba- I'm surprised you're not traumatized!

Fiyero- Well, you know me...Cool and all.

Authoress- (snorts)

Elphaba- You shut up.

Authoress- You're buying this cool thing?

Elphaba- Shhh! He goes through a major character change!

Authoress- He should have already undergone that!

Fiyero- Don't rush me! I'm working on it. (to Elphaba) Don't worry about me honey, how are we going to be together if all of Oz is after you?

Elphaba- Thank you for reminding me...

Fiyero- Sorry Fae...

Fiyeraba fans- Awwww!

Elphaba- WHAT?

Fiyero- I um...it's just...I um...yeah.

Authoress- Hehehe watch him stutter!

Fiyero- Maybe I'm brainless maybe I'm wise...

Authoress- I thought we already went through this once! You are brainless!

Fiyero- But no matter how wise or brainless I may be, I do know one thing. It's that I love you Elphaba Thropp.

Fiyeraba fans- YAAAY!

Elphaba- I love you too...

Authoress- SHE IS CAPABLE OF AFFECTION!

[Authoress gets mobbed by angry Fiyeaba Fans]

Authoress- STOP!

[ mobbing stops ]

Authoress- Haha I do have superior power! Now do the hokey poky! That's what it's all about anyway!

[ mobbers do the hokey poky ]

Authoress- Neat! (looks over to see Elphaba and Fiyero getting a little to comfortable.] SLAVES! AFTER THEM!

Mobbers- We can't interrupt Fiyeraba!

Authoress- GO! You have no choice! For I, oh naive ones, am the one with a pen!

Another Naive One- (pulls pen out of pocket) Now I have a pen too!

Authoress- Yes, but I have the pen and the paper. Not to mention I am writing this- You know what this is pointless! GO!

Mobbers- (attack) AHHH!

Elphaba and Fiyero- AH! (Get brutally run over)

Authoress- Muahahahahaha!

Fiyero- She's gone mad with power!

Elphaba- Someone has to stop her! (thinks) I've got a plan!

Fiyero- That was fast.

Elphaba- I'm highly logical which enables me to figure things most others can't.

Fiyero- Smart Aleck...

Elphaba- Okay here's the plan, (whispers plan into Fiyero's ear) got it?

Fiyero- That is a good plan! But were going to need help! Come on you Mobbers!

Mobbers- Yaaaaay!

[All leave stage]

Authoress- Ahhehehehehehhehehehe- ahehe- ahehe- a- Hey, (looks around) Where'd everybody go?

[Nobody answers]

Authoress- Hello? Fiyero? Elphaba? Another Naive Ozian? Mobbers? Oh I see...(waits a few minutes as she looks around) You can run but you can't- What the?

[Fiyero and Elphaba jump down from the top of the stage (fly space) along with the Mobbers all carrying the giant hat from scene one. Strategically, they capture the Authoress inside. Yes, she got trapped in a giant hat by her own characters]

Fiyero- (Tarzan yell)

Authoress- Let me out! (Bangs on hat) Let me out!

Elphaba- Not until you think about what you've done!

Mobbers- Yay!

Fiyero- I love you Elphab- What the?

Elphaba- Is that a-

Fiyero- Uhhuh.

Authoress- What?

Mobbers- TORNADO!

All- Ah!

Elphaba- I have to go check on my sister!

Fiyero- Elphaba, it's really not a good time to travel. Is that-

Elphaba- Yes.

Mobbers- What?

Authoress- Let me guess, is it a house?

All- Ahhh!

Elphaba- It's a house in the tornado!

Fiyero- You're joking! No...no, you're not. How does that happen? How _does_ that happen?

Elphaba- I have to go see my sister!

Fiyero- Fine go! First you leave me, then the monkeys and now your sister! (grumbles quietly a bit more)

Elphaba- (mounts broomstick) You want to come?

Fiyero- Nah, I don't think the in laws will be very pleased to see me.

Elphaba- In law.

Mobbers- Ahhhh!

Fiyero- We're down to one?

Mobers- Take cover!

Elphaba- Father committed suicide.

Mobbers- Hide the children!

Fiyero- Oh, bummer...

Mobbers- Lock the doors!

Elphaba- Not really...

Mobbers- Feed the dog!

Fiyero- Well, I don't really want to come, but you go see your sister anyway.

Mobbers- Hang the stockings!

Elphaba- Okay- WOULD YOU ALL CUT THAT OUT!

Mobbers- Sorry...

Fiyero- You'll know if I changed my mind and decided to come.

Elphaba- Okay, To the Nessa's mansion as fast as lightning! 

[Elphaba flys off]

Fiyero- Well, that was fun wasn't it?

Mobbers- Yes!

Fiyero- Come on let's go dancing! Uh oh what's this? My Elphie senses are tingling. She just left and she's already in trouble? Well, I better start walking to Nessa's house...

[Fiyero leaves]

Mobbers-(mob off stage)

[Black out]

Authoress- EXCUSE ME! I AM STILL IN HERE! IS ANYONE THERE? (several minutes pass of yelling.) Dang it! (scribbles something on note pad inside of hat.) Oh...I know how to get out. (looks at pencil darkly)

**A/N- I'm sorry it's been so long guys but there you have it! Sorry it wasn't to Fiyerabish. Anyway Merry almost Christmas and Happy Hanukkah (I don't really know when Kwanzaa is but if you celebrate that...Happy Kwanzaa)**

**Reviews are Funny!**


	18. Ole! Cat Fight

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Chapter

Act II

Cat Fight Scene.

Glinda- That's right, the same road the whole time!

[All the tops of the cornstalks in the corn field are cut off at the same time.]

Elphaba- (Turns off light saber and steps out of the corn field) You know there's a couple of places where that road splits right?

Glinda- Oh?

Elphaba- Yeah.

Glinda- (Looks at road entrance) Oops...Oh well, sorry Dorothy!

Elphaba- (Looks at Nessa's crushed wheelchair) What's with the new wood decor, Glinda?

Glinda- OH! That's um...(Hides chair behind her giant dress) That's um...Nothing. Nothing at all.

Elphaba- (gives Glinda a skeptical look) Glinda Upland, you're hiding something from me. I know you are!

Glinda- Um, no, I'm not!

Elphaba- Um, yes, you are! Oh! What's that behind you're back then?

Glinda- The brown stuff?

Elphaba- Yeah.

Glinda- That's a...really big pile of pecan shells!

Elphaba- Really?

Glinda- Yes...the um...Munchkins were hungry...

Elphaba- So you and Nessa fed them-

Glinda- Pecans, yes.

[Long Pause]

Elphaba- Okay then! I'm going to go see how Nessa is doing no! (Turns to go)

Glinda- No, wait! I um...(Holds out fist) Pecan?

Elphaba- No, no, I'm not hungry.

Glinda- Oh, yes, I think you are!

Elphaba- I'm really not! (Turns to go.)

Glinda- Elphie?

Elphaba- (Flinches) What? 

Glinda- I have some bad news. It's Nessa. Your sister she's um...well...she's uh...how do I say this? Nessa, is-

Elphaba- Overpowering? Controlling? Power hungry? Dictator-esque? Whiny? Contemplative? Annoying? Obnoxious? Obliv-

Glinda- DEAD! Elphie! She's dead!

Elphaba- What?

Chorus- She's dead! The witch of the-

Elphaba- SHUT UP!

Nessa- Actually, I'm not quite dead yet!

Mob- A witch! Burn her!

Glinda- What? This can't be good for the scene! I do enjoy this scene and-

Mob- Get on with it!

Glinda- Oh, all right. (to Elphaba) I can't have her like this!

Elphaba- Well, when is the next showing?

Glinda- Thursday.

Nessa- I'm getting better!

Glinda- No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment!

Nessa- I think I might go for a walk!

Elphaba- And you can't act with her like this?

Glinda- 'Can't, it's against regulation.

Nessa- I feel happy! I feel happy!

Elphaba- (sighs) Well, what if we just knock her out?

Glinda- Alright. (Looks around before hitting Nessa over the head with something heavy)

Mobber- She died!

Elphaba- (Points at Glinda) MY SISTER IS DEAD AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! IT'S YOU'RE FAUT! HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Glinda- On my right side with my hand under the pillow-

Elphaba- She was all I had left! My father and my mother were both dead and Nessa had just learned to walk with those slippers- THOSE SLIPPERS! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THOSE SHOES?

Glinda- One word. Goodwill.

Elphaba- YOU TOOK THEM TO GOODWILL?

Glinda- No! Good will! I have good will I-

Elphaba- That's two words then stupid.

Glinda- Hey! I'm not really stupid!

Elphaba- Not _really_ stupid...

Glinda- I gave the shoes to Dorothy.

Elphaba- That farm brat?

Glinda- The little girl from Kansas, yes.

Elphaba- Kansas?

Glinda- Don't ask I really don't know.

Elphaba- You wretched girl! I can't believe you gave that child my shoes!

Glinda- Oh, they weren't yours, they were Nessas. You two don't even wear the same size. Do you? DO YOU?

Elphaba- I am not answering that!

Glinda- Ha I knew you weren't the same size!

Elphaba- Those shoes weren't yours to give!

Glinda- So?

Elphaba- So I'll run you through with my broom!

Glinda- (Gasps) You wouldn't.

Elphaba- (Pulls out broom) Watch me.(Runs towards Glinda, with her broom out in front of her as to essentially knock Glinda over with the side.)

Glinda- (Stand very still until Elphaba gets right in front of her, when Glinda reaches out her hand and slaps Elphaba in the face.)

Elphaba- You want to fight dirty huh?

Glinda- Hmh!

Elphaba- As you wish. (Draws broom like a sword)

Glinda- (Draws wand but runs away.) Ahhh!

Elphaba- Where are you going?

Glinda- Right here! (Turns on the spot) AH! (Runs to Elphaba, holding her want as to sheskabab Elphaba or joust her.)

Elphaba- (Waits until the very last possible second before stepping out of the way and slapping Glinda) Ole! Torro torro!

Mob- OLE!

Glinda- Oh! (Walks up to Elphaba)

Elphaba- (Walks up to Glinda) You fight me? I fight you!

Glinda- Fine! (Reaches out and tugs lightly on Elphaba's hair.) TAKE THAT!

Elphaba- (Steps on Glinda's foot) Ha!

Glinda- (Cries) OW!

Elphaba- Ah! I'm sorry I didn't mean to actually hurt you!

Glinda- (whistles)

[Guards appear]

Glinda- There's the Wicked Witch of the West. Arrest her.

Guards- We love you Miss Hanagan.

Glinda- What?

Guards- Oops, We meant yes Glinda.

Elphaba- Glinda, you don't know what you're doing!

Glinda- (sarcastically) Ah! I'm sorry I didn't mean to actually hurt you!

Fiyero- (Swings in on vine) Ahahahaha! Let the Green girl go!

Elphaba- (palmface) There was so many things wrong with that. One, you pointed out that I was green. Two, where did you get a vine in the middle of a corn field?

Glinda- That is a good question one that many find confusifying are-

Elphaba- Shut up Blondie. (To Fiyero) Where did you get that vine?

Authoress- (Swings in on vine) Let the Hunky Prince go!

Elphaba- Where are all these vines coming from? I simply don't understand it all?

Authoress- I am the Authoress. I can do anything I want! Including exploding like a bubble! (She explodes like a bubble)

Elphaba- Well we can't all explode like a bubble!

Glinda- How'd you get out of the hat anyway?

Authoress- Holds up pencil.

Fiyero- I knew you could make fire out of pencils!

Authoress- Um no. I stuck this pencil into the fabric and ripped my way out!

Fiyero- She ripped her way out!

Authoress- I don't need a backup singer!

Fiyero- Even if he has a scandalatious reputation?

Authoress- Even if he has a scandalatious reputation.

[Long pause]

Fiyero- Ouch. (Goes to pout in a corner)

Elphaba- Wait a minute, Sir Pouts In Corner! Aren't you going to save me?

Fiyero- Oh right. Let the Girl with abnormally colored skin go!

Elphaba-(Scoffs) Not what I had in mind...

Guards- Okay.

Fiyero- That was easy.

Guards- We have to arrest you though.

Fiyero- (is arrested) I am having second thoughts...

Elphaba- (Cries) Thank You Fiyero! I love you!

Fiyero- Yeah, I love you too. But...YOU CAN'T CATCH ME YOU COPPERS!

Coppers/Guards- (Scoffs) Really.

Fiyero- Watch me!

[A cloud of red smoke and fire appears where Fiyero stands.]

Elphaba- (Palmface) Fiyero, you didn't go anywhere...

Guard- And he's on fire...

Elphaba- Well, I know he's hot everyone knows that.

Authoress- Everyone.

Guard- Uh...not what I meant...He's literally on fire.

[All turn to look]

Elphaba- OH OZ!

Authoress- Hahaha...he pulled a Margaret Hamilton...That's nice Fiyero.

Fiyero- Um...a little help please?

Dorothy- I'm on it!

Elphaba- What the- how'd she-

Dorothy- (Throws bucket of water on Fiyero)

Fiyero- I'M MELTING I'M M- I'm kidding.

Elphaba- Haha...very funny.

Guards- What's that on your wrist Fiyero. 

Fiyero- WHAT? WHAT IS IT? GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

Guards- Alright hold still...(Grabs Fiyero's wrist tightly and roughly) HA! I got him! Now we can punish him!

Fiyero- I should have seen that coming.

Elphaba- Well! I'm out of here!

Glinda- I have to wait a bit so I can call after Fiyero hopelessly...what a drag!

Fiyero- Uh...excuse me!

Authoress- I'm going to go with Elphaba.

Elphaba- (Sarcastically of course) Joy.

[Authoress and Elphaba exit]

Guards- Okay so let's get this over with shall we?

Fiyero- Please do.

Glinda- GET ON WITH IT!

Fiyero- Okay...

Guards- Here we go!

Fiyero- Alright.

Glinda- Okay.

Guard- Okay.

Fiyero- Let's start.

Glinda- Alright.

Guards- Okay.

Fiyero- Alright.

Guards- Alright. (Carry Fiyero to the random cornfield pole.)

Fiyero- (Is hung on the pole) This isn't that bad...a lovely view-

Guards- You're in pain.

Fiyero- Oh, right. AH OH THE AGONY OH!

Glinda- FIYERO NOOOOOOO!

Guards- I think it's more like FIYEROOOOOOOO!

Glinda- No, that's Elphaba in No Good Deed.

Guards- Oh right...

Glinda- FIYERON NOOOOOOO!

[Black out]

Authoress- Marco!

Elphaba- Polo!

Authoress- Goodnight Fiyero!

Fiyero- Nighty night!

**Yaaaay!**

**Reviews are funny.**


	19. FIYEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Act II

Chapter 19

No Good Deed

Elphaba- !

Fiyero- ?

Authoress- Ignore him, (Shoves a sock in Fiyero's mouth.) continue.

Elphaba- Alright.

Authoress- Okay.

Elphaba- Okay.

Authoress- Let's go.

Elphaba -Alright.

Authoress- Okay.

Fiyero- Muhmphmh...

Elphaba- Alright.

Authoress- Say it loud!

Elphaba- Okay. (Sucks in a deep breath.) I like the ramen!Ramen! I chew, you chew, I like the ramen! I like the ramen! Ramen! Sausage sausage, I like the ramen! Let the quiche not be sliced, let the wine leave no stain. Will they eat him though he has no brain? Let the yolk never break and however they try to make breakfast, the thirst never dies! The French never fry! I like the ramen! Ramen! Sausage, sausage, I like the- I like the-

Authoress- What _are _you doing?

Fiyero- (Spits sock out of his mouth.) I am soo hungry now!

Elphaba- What?

Authoress- Those are not the words to the song?

Elphaba- They're not?

Authoress- Noooooo!

Fiyero- I'M BATMAN!

Elphaba- Shh!

Authoress- Those are NOT the lyrics.

Elphaba- Oh...now what?

Authoress- You could start the song all over, singing it correctly; you could also start where you left off. Only this time, let's use the real lyrics? Please? Please? I like this song, I really do-

Fiyero- Get on with it!

Elphaba- Okay, I will try. (clears throat). What good is this dinner? I don't even know what I'm eating! I don't even know food I ought to try. Fiyero-

Authoress- STOP THAT! Those are not the words to the song!

Elphaba- Why don't you just sing them then?

Authoress- Fine! I will! (Sings off key) Fiyero where are you already dead or-

Elphaba- Eating-

Authoress- (Gives Elphaba a dirty look) One more disaster I can add to my generous supp-ly! (voice cracks) Oh my...

Elphaba- That was...

Fiyero- Awful!

Authoress- Thank you...you guys are so nice.

Elphaba- We try.

Fiyero- I am still sooooo hungry! Can someone please, please, oh please, make me a ham and cheese sandwich?

Elphaba- Ham and cheese?

Fiyero- Yes.

Elphaba- Alright then! (Casts some really long, complicated spell and...) POOF! You are now a ham and cheese sandwich Fiyero Tiggular!

Authoress- NO!

Elphaba- Oh yes!

Authoress- Why did you do that? He's supposed to be a hunky winky scarecrow not a chunky, cheesy sandwich! (Cries) You ruined the plot again! Change him back now!

Elphaba- I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

Authoress- Scarecrow! NOW!

Fiyero the Sandwich- ...

Elphaba- Alright, alright! (Mutters spell under breath) There, I hope you're happy! I hope you're happy now! I hope your happy how you hurt-

Authoress-(Coughs) THOSE STILL ARE NOT THE WORDS! SING IT RIGHT OR DON'T SING AT ALL!

Elphaba- Right, I'm just doing EVERYTHING WRONG today! (Breaks down and cries) Nessa, Doctor Dillamond!

Fiyero- Fiyero?

Authoress and Elphaba- FIYERO! (Authoress stops singing where as Elphaba carries out the 'O') 

Authoress- Can you even breathe?

Elphaba- (Gasp) FIND A WAY!

Authoress- To...?

Elphaba- JUMP OVER THE MOON!

Fiyero- Why would you want to-

Elphaba- Only thing to do is JUMP OVER THE MOON!

Fiyero- How did I ever see anything in this lunatic?

Elphaba- I heard that!

Fiyero- Wait a minute...Am I a scarecrow?

Authoress- Wow...Did you really just figure that out? Really?

Fiyero- I'm a scarecrow?

Elphaba- YES! YES YOU ARE!

Authoress- WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Elphaba- I'M NOT!

Authoress- THEN WHY ARE YOU- OH WAIT... I left the caps lock on. Sorry, it was an accident! I get the CAPS and the Shift buttons confused sometimes.

Elphaba- I know, why do they have to be right on top of one anoth-

Fiyero- NO ONE CARES! I'M A SCARECROW!

Mark- Poor baby!

Authoress- Elphie still loves you

Mark- (to Glinda) Aren't you jealous?

Glinda- YES I AM! No need to rub it in my face...jerk.

Authoress- Alright, you (points to Mark) and you (points at Glinda) get out of here. You don't have to go home, but you most certainly cannot stay here! (shoves them off stage with a broom) Go! GO! On second thought...(Grabs Glinda at the last second) You're needed in the next scene, go stand in that corner. (Points)

Glinda- I'm a good girl I am!

Authoress- Good, now beat it kid! (Turns around to see Elphaba poking Fiyero's arm with a sick) What in Oz.?

Elphaba- Can you feel this? (poke)

Fiyero- No.

Elphaba- What about this? (poke poke)

Fiyero- Nope.

Elphaba- This? (pokes harder)

Fiyero- Nada.

Authoress- HE CAN'T FEEL IT ALRIGHT!

Elphaba- What about this? (Pulls Fiyero into a kiss)

Authoress- (Twiches) ROMANCE! MY EYES ARE-

Audience Memeber- BURNING! Miss me much?

Fiyero- (Stops kissing Elphaba) Did he really just say something with out yelling?

Elphaba- (Slaps Fiyero) Hey!

Fiyero- Sorry...(Returns to kissing Elphaba)

Authoress- (to Audience Member) You'll have to excuse me. (Runs over to Fiyero and Elphaba, she jerks them apart) This is a NO ROMANCE parody! New rule: If you your faces can touch from where you are standing, you are too close! From now on, I demand a three foot radius around every person! That should do it, I was afraid we'd have some little green scarecrows running around sooner or later.

Fiyero- (Looks at Elphaba)

Elphaba- (Looks away from Fiyero)

Authoress- Ohhh I can feel the tension.

Elphaba- (Looks at Fiyero's hand) Three feet?

Fiyero- I'll reach...(Reaches over and takes Elphaba's hand.)

Audience- Awww...

Authoress- NO NO STOP THAT STOP IT! New rule! Eight foot radius!

Fiyero- (Frowns and lets go)

Elphaba- I'm sorry, Yero.

Fiyero- Yero?

Elphaba- (Blushes) Yeah...

Authoress- WOULD YOU TWO STOP THAT?

'You two'- Sorry Boss...

Authoress- (Rolls eyes) Everyone has a weird name around here.

Fiyero- (Looks at own hand and then too Elphaba's green hand.) How am I supposed to hold your hand if we can't get near each other? (thinks for a minute) AHA I know what to do! (Unties the rope that holds his hand on and throws it to Elphaba.)

Elphaba- (Catches his hand) It's not the same...

Authoress- Give him his hand back!

Elphaba-No!

Authoress- Now!

Elphaba- No!

Authoress- You're grounded!

Elphaba- Are you my mother?

Authoress- No, just give it back to him! (Runs over to Elphaba and grabs it out of her hand) I have to do every-

Elphaba- YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR OWN RULE! RULE BREAKER! RULE BREAKER! SUCH A DIRY HIPPOCRITE! FIYERO, DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE MADE UP A RULE AND THEN BROKE IT! HOW RUDE!

Authoress- (Throws Fiyero his hand) Some people are so touchy! Fine! (Paces the Eight feet away) I hope your happy.

Elphaba- NO!

Authoress- (Steps back more) Feel better _now?_

Elphaba- Yes, I do.

Authoress- Good!

Elphaba- (tears up)

Authoress- Oh what is it now?

Elphaba- I-I miss F-F--

Authoress- Really, now don't you think that's a bit excessive?

Elphaba-(Turns pale)

... (Gasps for breath)

Authoress- I promise you all that this is for the greater good of the production. After all, that is all I ever think of! (Music interlude) I always asked for this and planned it in advance (Singing) I was just astounded by this awesome chance! I always saw myself as a -

Wizard- Excuse me?

Authoress- Oh right... This good deed was wasted on you all I can see.

Fiyero- You better believe it, honey.

Authoress- Jerk...Oh well. NO GOOD DEEEEEED GOES UNPUNIIIIIII(Voice cracks)IIIIIIIIIISHED Oh my.

**A/N- I apologize for the wait, I haven't been very funny lately as you can see in the above chapter, but here it is.**

_**Reviews are Funny. :D**_


	20. March of the Sandwich Hunters

**A/N- I have tried everything to separate that darn tittle from the actual (I guess you could call it a-) script, (I'd call it madness, that's what it is anyway...)**

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Act II

Chapter 20

March of the Witch Hunters.

...

...

ElphabaROCKS- Excuse me, Areyoufeelingwicked?

Authoress- What do you want? You already crushed my dreams of marrying Captain Von Trapp! (Goes to cry in a corner)

ElphabaROCKS- Come on! Anyway, I'd like to point out a mistake in your last chapter.

Authoress- Oh? (Comes out from corner) Really? Well, what is it?

ElphabaROCKS- Yes, well, Fiyero was never changed into a scarecrow, for all we know, he is a talking sandwich in the middle of the floor. (Blinks)

Authoress- Oh my, (Blinks back to ElphabaROCKS) well that is a big mistake isn't it?

ElphabaROCKS- Yes it its, now watch to see how many people go back and re-read.

Authoress- Indeed, now please leave.

ElphabaROCKS- OUCH! That's cold!

Authoress- I know. (Watches ElphabaROCKS leave before yelling.) FIYERO! GET IN HERE!

[Silence]

Authoress- Uh-oh. MONKEY HENCHMEN!

Monkey Henchmen- Yes, Boss?

Authoress- First, find Fiyero. Second, make sure he's not a sandwich!

Monkey Henchmen- Okay Boss.

Fiyero- (Walks in eating a sandwich.) I didn't even know Scarecrows could eat, did you?

Sandwitch Hunters- (Scream) CANIBAL!

Elphaba- Sandwich Hunters?

Authoress- They used to be my Monkey Henchmen but they had to look for a sandwich, there by making them Sandwich hunters. Clever huh?

Elphaba- Not really.

Authoress- Whatever, I don't need lesser minds to commend me!

Elphaba- I'm the lesser mind? _I'm_ the lesser mind?

Authoress- No, but I have complete control!

Elphaba- Free will always triumphs!

Authoress- Not in this story honey!

Fiyero- (Waving sandwich around) Girls, girls! We already had the cat fight scene! There is no need to start a rumble, I have no interest in having my arms torn off or ripping a seam.

Elphaba- You would.

Fiyero- What? (starts to cry) Wh-why are you m-m-making fun of me! It's y-your fault I'm a scarecrow anyway! Why would- (runs away crying)

Elphaba- (turning to authoress) This is all your fault! If you hadn't shown me that horrendible book then, well I'd- let me put it this way! ALL OF MY LIFE I'VE DEPENDED ON YOU! How do you think that feels? All of my life I've depended on you and your hideous writing ideals! Why-

Authoress- Oh, just hush Elphaba, we'll find him! (to Sandwich Hunters) Go and hunt him!

Elphaba- And FIND HIM!

Glinda- And kill him!

Elphaba- ...(Get's a look from the Authoress) oooookay I'll stop.

Authoress- Shut up Glinda!

Glinda- I'm sorry, I just got caught up in all of the excitement! Plus, I'm still mad at Fiyero...I guess you guys don't _have_ to kill him.

Elphaba- -Yeah, I'm stoping...

Morrible- GOOD FORTUNE WITCH HUNTERS!

Celestial Voice- I thought we got rid of her already!

Elphaba- (Gasps)

Glinda- (Gasps)

Fiyero- (From beyond, most likely off stage but who knows,? He could be in the fly space or even in the orchestra pit... but he Gasps.)

Wizard- (Gasps)

Audience Member- (Gasps)

Sandwich Hunters- (All Gasp)

Authoress- (Gaps)

Celestial Voice- (Gasps)

Elphaba- (Gasps)

Glinda- (Gasps)

Authoress- THAT'S ENOUGH WITH THE GASPING! Sheesh...

Glinda- Wh-where did _he_ come from? I thought he went away! In a hot air balloon, remember?

Elphaba- (In a frightened voice) Oh yes, yes, I remember very well.

Celestial Voice- It is good to be back! Now, down to business- I see that Fiyero is having trouble being found? Is this so...well, GOOD FORTUNE SANDWICH HUNTERS!

Fiyero- I'm right here-

Authoress- Shut up and keep hidden!

Fiyero- Why? I want to be with Elphaba!

Authoress- You can't get more than eight feet close to her anyway! So just, just stay where you are! (Scoffs at the scarecrow and waves off the sandwich hunters)

Elphaba- This isn't what I wanted!

Glinda- Do you need to go lie down?

Elphaba- No, but I appreciate the offer!

Glinda- Anytime!

Authoress- Galinda, Elphaba, stop being so nice to each other! You're supposed to be angry!

Elphaba- Sorry...(Walks off stage carelessly)

Glinda- YOU!

Authoress- Who me?

Glinda- Yes, YOU!

YOU- What!

Glinda- Not YOU, you!

You- What?

Authoress- Galinda, I am soooo confused!

Glinda- YOU DID IT AGAIN!

YOU- WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, YOU FREAK!

You Freak- Yes?

Authoress- WHAT? These can't possibly be actual names!

To me, to me, to me, to me, to you and you and you, you and you.- Ever heard La Vie Boheme

Authoress- That is the longest name I have ever seen in my life! To me, to me, to me, to me, to you and you and you, you and you. Can't actually be your name!

To me, to me, to me, to me, to you and you and you, you and you- You better believe it!

Authoress- In that case...Everyone with the word 'you' in your name GET OFF NOW!

To me, to me, to me, to me, to you and you and you, you and you- Wow...I guess you want me to go then?

Authoress- YES!

Fiyero- (From where ever he is) Who's on first.

Authoress- Now, don't start that!

Fiyero- What's on second.

Elphaba- Who's on second?

Fiyero- No, no, who's on first!

Authoress- I'm warning you!

Fiyero- Who's the guy on first base!

Elphaba- I don't know!

Fiyero- I Don't Know's on third!

Elphaba- What?

Fiyero- He's on second.

Authoress- That's it! I have had enough with your stupidity, Fiyero Tiggular! GOOD FORTUNE SANDWICH HUNTERS!

Celestial Voice- GOOD FORTUNE!

Sandwich Hunters- (Unintelligible gnashing and hooting) WHOOO NAGHAGN WOOOO

Authoress- GOOD FORTUNE!

**A/N- I can't believe there's only two chapters left! Maybe I can write three more... I feel sad...**

**Reviews are funny.**

**Just because I'm sad doesn't mean the story wasn't! I hope not...I was still a little nervous about this one not being funny. THIS EARLY UPDATE IS DEDICATED TO ELPHABAROCKS because I, "owe her one."**


	21. Finale, For Good and Ppppoker Face

Just Another One of Those Wicked Parodies

Act II

Chapter 21

For Good/Finale

(The Very Last Chapter)

[Maybe]

...

...

...

Authoress- Please! Turn it off!

Fiyero- (From wherever he may be at this time) I have a serious headache!

Authoress- Wait...how can you have a headache? You're made of-

Fiyero- SHHHH! You're going to spoil the surprise!

Glinda (The 'Ga' is silent.)- A SURPRISE?

Fiyero- A surprise.

Glinda the Good (Officially)- A SURPRISE?

Fiyero- Yes! A-

Authoress- SHUSH CUT IT OUT! I have a killer headache from you two shouting and- oh!- (Rubs temples) Some one do something about that noise! Please!

Fiyero- It's really loud, I can hear it from here!

Glinda- Where are you anyway? Never mind... I don't like it either. (Whines) Elphie! Please get it to stop!

Elphaba- (Stomps on stage) Okay, alright1 I'll handle it... (switches broom to other hand and slams it onto the ground)

[Noise Swells]

Elphaba- NOW! (Waits a minute but nothing happens) She must have been born in a barn! IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR AUNT EM AND YOUR UNCLE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME AGAIN, YOU BETTER TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!

Authoress- I really do hate rap.

Dorothy- Muh-muh-muh-muh...

Fiyero- Actually I don't think that's rap...I'm pretty sure it's pop music. Lady Gaga or something along those lines. Or that's what the monkeys told me anyhow.

Authoress- Do you know how to wake up Lady Gaga?

Fiyero- ...

Authoress- You-

Dorothy- P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face!

Audience- Booo! Laaame!

Audience Member- That was the lamest joke I ever heard!

Fiyero- Hey, he didn't yel-

Audience Member- IT BURNED MY EARS!

Fiyero- Never mind then...

ElphabaROCKS- (dies of laughter) I cannot believe you put that lame joke in your parody! Really? That is soooo... wow.

Authoress- Go away and stop teasing me.

ElphabaROCKS- I can't 'go away.'

Authoress- Why not?

ElphabaROCKS- Because Fiyero's here.

Fiyero- (Still from an undetermined hiding place somewhere offstage.) Actually, I'm not here. Well, I'm here, but I'm not there. Really I'm just- I'm going to stop talking now...

Authoress- Fiyero, you should get out of that hiding spot, my man.

Fiyero- Why?

Authoress- Because there are ghosts in here. You know that don't you? 

Fiyero- WHAT DID YOU SAY? (Leaps out from left wing onto stage) NO GHOSTS! GHOSTS ARE REAAAAAAAAAALLY SCARY!

Authoress- Ahaha...Every theatre has its ghosts.

Fanfictioner- Since when are we on a stage?

Authoress- Since I started writing the parody like it took place on a stage. And...this is a script is it not? Typically you use a stage when performing plays and...Oh dear I am rambling on about theatre. I better stop now...

Fiyero- HELP ME! (Runs and clings to Elphaba) I AM AFRAID OF GHOSTS! PLEASE SAVE ME! SPARE MY LIFE, OH FOUL SPIRITS!

Elphaba- Whoah, what's wrong with his face?

Authoress- FIYERO! GET OFF OF ELPHABA NOW!

Fiyero- What? Why?

Authoress- Eight foot rule still stands, don't you remember?

Elphaba and Fiyero- Aw man!

Authoress- Both of you, give me eight feet! Now! Go, go, move!

Fiyero- I'm not moving! You can't make me move!

Elphaba- You kind of look like a scarecrow, Fiyero.

Authoress- She's not supposed to see you yet!

Fiyero- I feel like a bride.

[silence]

Elphaba and Authoress- ...WHAAAAAT?

Fiyero- You know! The groom isn't supposed to see the bride in her wedding dress before they are married. That's like this only, I'm not wearing a dress and- oh- never mind.

Elphaba- That wasn't a very good metaphor, Fiyero.

Authoress- No, no it wasn't. Now you two, give me eight feet! Now! GO! (Walks over to Fiyero and Elphaba. Grabs Fiyero's collar and drags him off the stage.)

Fiyero- Nooooooooooooooooo!

ElphabaROCKS- So, me and some of the other fanfictioners were wondering...Well...Does the eight foot rulle apply to us and...uh...(coughs) Fiyero?

Authoress- And...who?

ElphabaROCKS- Fiy -(cough)- ero.

Authoress- Dude, you need to speak up and enunciate. I can not understand you. Speak clearly! Who are you asking about?

Fan fictioners of Wicked- FIYEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Authoress- Oh! Fiyero? Does the eight foot rule apply?

Most Girl fan fictioners in the Wicked Fandom- That's what we were asking!

Authoress- Yes.

Fiyero Fans- Yes?

Authoress- Yes, it does apply. Now, go away.

Fiyero Fans- Gosh darn it! (Leaves)

Authoress- That's better! Now, (turns to Elphaba) What are we going to do with you? Hm...well, I think we can do For Good first. (Runs offstage and grabs Glinda)

Glinda- Stop dragging me! What happened to the eight foot rule?

Authoress- Doesn't apply to me.

Everyone- It doesn't?

Fiyero Fans- WHAT?

Authoress- I don't mean to show a bias but- Glinda! (Shoves) Get over there! Now!

Monkey Minion- I have a note for Elphaba!

Authoress- Give it to her then.

Monkey Minion- How? Isn't there some rule about not getting more than eight feet close to someone? I thought I heard something along those lines.

Authoress- Oh...make it a paper airplane and throw it to her then.

Monkey Minion- (Folds and throws) THERE! CATCH IT!

Elphaba- Oh! (Reaches and tries to catch the plane but misses.) Curses!

Glinda- (Catches the plane) What's this?

Elphaba- Drop it Glinda!

Glinda- Make me! Now, let us all see what the Wicked Witch of the West is getting tin the mail! (Reads) Oh no! Elphie! (cries) Oh, Elphie!

Elphaba- What? What does the note say? Is it about Fiyero?

Glinda- You can't order cheese pizza. I'm lactose intolerant!

Elphaba- Oh, who said I was going to share, anyhow?

Glinda- But...I'm your best friend!

Elphaba- Aw!

Authoress- Aw!

Celestial Voice- Aw!

Glinda- Come on, give me a hug! (Holds out arms.)

Elphaba- No! Stop, the eight foot rule!

Authoress- (slaps hand to forehead) Why me? Why does everything I write turn on me and bite me in the back? Am I doomed to have everything go wrong?

Glinda- Okay. Air hug then! (Gives Elphaba an air hug.)

Elphaba- Alright...(Returns the air hug.) Well, that wasn't awkward. You know, even though you're pretty self absorbed, and selfish, you're my best friend, Glinda. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Glinda- Elphie?

Elphaba- Yes?

Glinda- I'm your only friend.

Elphaba- Right.

Glinda- (Flips pizza order over) Hey, there's something written here! It says...OH MY OZ! (Starts to cry) Elphie, Fiyero is- Fiyero is dead!

Elphaba- WHAT?

Glinda- Yes...and (sob) there's a little winking face next to his name...Wait, what?

Elphaba- Um...(Shifty eyes) That must have been because he was a winky.

[ Loud noise, such as an angry mob. ]

Elphaba- Oh, well, um...You're a good friend, Glinda! Bye! (Closes curtain) NO! Wait!

(opens curtain and throws the Grimmarie at Glinda) Here! I love you, Glin, in a totally not creepy way! Bye! (closes curtain.)

Dorothy- Oh my God, she's green! (Splashes water onto Elphaba)

[Screaming and then silence.]

Glinda- Elphie? ...Elphaba? (Pulls back curtain) AH! Oh no! Elphie!

Authoress- I wish you would stop saying the same thing over and over...

Glinda- I never got to say I loved her too! (cries) In a totally non creepy way. (Slowly crawls into her bubble and curls up.)

Authoress- Oh, don't be so pitiful. That' didn't come across as comforting...Stand up Glinda. Come on.

(Watches Glinda stand up slowly, compose herself and then fly away.) Poor dear...

Glinda- Fellow Ozians- friends, let me get to the point. None of what you know is true. The wizard lied, Animals should be able to speak and- I wan't to restore Oz, I want to try and help.

Random Ozian- So...Is the witch dead?

Glinda- I'd like to try and be...

Random Ozian- Hello?

Boq- Shut up man, Glinda is talking.

(*Mean while*)

Fiyero- (looks around and knocks on trap door) Elphaba?

Authoress- Wait!

Fiyero- What do you want now? We're almost done with the show!

Authoress- How did you knock?

Fiyero- Like this. (knocks again)

Authoress- Whatever then. Continue.

Celestial Voice- You know, I really don't like straw, I'm actually allergic. Also, scarecrows have scared me to death ever since I was a little kid. I thought they were scary.

Fiyero- You would think that.

Authoress- He's not scary. He's dreamy, even as a scarecrow.

Fiyero- (Rolls eyes) Whatever. (Knocks again) ELPHABA OPEN THE STINKIN DOOR! (Elphaba opens the trap door.) Don't look at me I'm hideous.

Elphaba- I've already seen you like this. You're fine, Fiyero.

Authoress- Wait! She's ruining the moment, someone erase her memory!

Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith- We could use this. (Holds up 'the flashy thingy')

Authoress- That could work. Be my guest! (Watches Elphaba's memory be erased from the past couple hours) Now we have to give her the memory...um...Oh! You've just staged your death to all of Oz by having a little girl throw water on you as you 'melt' when you're really just going underground via trap door.

Elphaba- (Blinks. Looks at Fiyero) Fiyero?

Fiyero- (turns face so Elphaba can't see him) I know...(Helps Elphaba out of trap door)

Elphaba- You're still beautiful.

Fiyero- (laughs) You shouldn't tell lies.

Elphaba- I'm not lying, just looking at things in a different way.

Fiyero- What does_ that _mean?

Elphaba- Not sure, it's in the script though.

Authoress- (Drools over Fiyeraba)

ElphabaROCKS- I thought you didn't like romance.

Authoress- Oh, shut up!

(*Meanwhile*)

Glinda- And there will be other times that frighten us.

Boq- Like that one time when we all saw Madame Morrible go swimming in the suicide canal? SO MUCH WHITE PASTYNESS! _That_ was horrific.

Audience Member- MY EYES!

Glinda- And I really can't do anything about those times that frighten us...

Random Ozian- So wait, she _is_ dead.

Another Random Ozian- Yes, she is! Now shut up!

(*Back to Fiyeraba*)

Elphaba- We have to tell Glinda-

Fiyero- No, we can't. Glinda can't keep a secret.

Elphaba- (Goes into major flashback mode) I have been changed...

(*Back to Glinda*)

Glinda- ...For good.

Random Ozian- NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

(*Back To Elphaba and Fiyero*)

Fiyero- Come on, we'll leave Oz, it will be best anyway.

Elphaba- I love it here though...but I love you too. (Walks into portal with Fiyero, holding his hand)

Authoress- We may actually get through this!

(*Back to Glinda*)

All Ozians- WICKED!

Authoress- We're going to make it!

All Ozians and Glinda- WICKEEEEEEEEEEED!

[Black out]

Fiyero- Elphaba?

Elphaba- Yes?

Fiyero- I'm afraid of the dark.

Elphaba- It's okay, I'm right here.

**Author's Note: Okay, a special thanks to ElphabaROCKS who made me write while we were on the bus ride to a very long field trip. Most of her lines were things she actually said (I tweaked them a little though)**

**But, we got to the end...I feel kind of weird saying that the parody is over and done with. I may write one more chapter for the bows, but that was supposed to be a surprise...dangit.**

**Reviews are still Funny.**

**(and somewhat romantic)**

**AHHHHHHHH Something has changed within me!**

**They're mostly funny though.**


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